I'm getting so excited. I'm sitting here with an hour and a half left before I go to Vanguard in Hollywood to check out Paul van Dyk. This will be my fourth time seeing him with the first being Together as One 2005/2006, second at Monster Massive 2006 and third again at Together as One 2006/2007. I know that I'm going to be in the club environment but nothing gives me more satisfaction than knowing that I'll be surrounded once again by the music. Once again...I'll just be in an environment where I can connect directly with the DJ and just let the sounds consume me and move me. To let my mind's eye open to the canvas of my imagination and let the beats, synths, breakdowns, crescendos be the tools of which I will be painting with.

I think for some reason about how I have not been able to control my emotions lately. From joy, sadness, dejection, anger...they are all sourced into my passions. I feel like to not let something move me I will not be embracing the desires that made me want to feel in the first place. That's what I discovered why I like acting so much. It's the art of emotion...the art of reacting to the worlds around you in the hope of creating the same emotional impact in your audience. The best theatre or film makes you not only think but feel yourself. It can awaken you, get you "fired up" about something...it can even make you cry. Acting ties in to most of the same principles as do raves. You have an audience which is likened to be the collective...those from every type of life come and while not necessarily interacting with each other they open themselves up...receptive to the environment..waiting to be moved. Enter the performers taking the role of the DJ. They are the energy givers, through every emotion displayed and beat spun...they spread themselves amongst the collective which in turn take the energy into themselves. Through laughter and applause in the theatre that energy is given right back to the performers. A symbiotry is developed between all members in the house and the exchange is ended with all members having left with something profound. I've always felt that the greatest actors are ones that have lived a rich life. To be a great actor myself I will need to live that rich and fulfilling life. Those experiences broaden the choices they have to give their character (think of a DJ having more records and effects to enhance their music) and thus could be spread back to their audience and internalized...thus leaving the person receiving with some thing...well...profound!

So why have I been taking so long to pursue my passions. Honestly, it's because of fear...fear of the rejection of my art....fear of unacceptance. Then I just asked myself, "What is it about the fear that bothers me" Kids live the most richest lives because without fear or pressure they are able to live truly free and in doing so they becoming sponges learning and experiencing the most. Just exactly who am I trying to live my life for? It touches on to why I have failed with Andrea. I should have treated every day with her as it was my last. I failed her because I was scared to live my life....I failed her because my fear of losing her become a grip she needed to shake herself free from. It translated itself into a feeling of settling down. I do not necessarily want to settle down, get married and have kids...at least not anytime soon. In fact, her and I are very much in the same position of life. We both have so much living to do...she was the first to realize it so I ended up holding her back. Well, for her and my own sake...I now declare my sense of fear...DEAD. I am capable, I have strength, I am fearless and I am invincible. Nothing will stop me from pursuing my passions...my life anymore...