I haven't been able to update this at all in the past few weeks but all I have to say is this for now...

Love does have a funny way of sneaking up on you doesn't it? Especially when you're not looking for it...and especially when you don't want to find it...

Maybe it's just because I came from one of the most beautiful weddings ever this past weekend and the air of love is still around everywhere. But still to see someone in a new light who's been there all along...

Okay, no more before I get myself into trouble...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

"The winner is one who knows when to drop out in order to get in touch." - Marshall McLuhan

It's been about three weeks since Antigone has ended and that I've gone on my break.  Well, maybe that break lasted only for a week since I've spent the majority of that time learning Premiere and After Effects to create the New York video.  It's been a fun process and I can see why many others I know like to create videos.  However, this will all be put to the test when I help out with productions for Epic Stunts for a series of shorts we all had in mind.

I've been blessed lately to reunite with old friends from different circles the last few weeks.  It's been amazing to catch up, have fun and party with everybody and it reminds me what it is like to be me again.  I've got just one more week before I fully go back to the grind of work and the madness of more auditions and training again but for now the sun will set and with the moon comes the heavy beats and bright lights of a little event we like to call EDC...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there...  =o)

No Track of the Day again but instead I bring to you finally the New York video!

"The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it." - Vince Lombardi

Tonight, I saw good friends I haven't seen in a long time; friends I haven't seen since striving to reinvent myself at the beginning of this year. As some of these friends were of the old party scene they brought up the inevitable question of what event I'm going to next. Apparently, news of the retirement had not gone out to everybody. I told those who hadn't known that it was just a time for me to move on past it and take care of other things. Well, they wouldn't be my friends if they didn't have any insight...

They all stopped and one of them had asked, "Don't you feel like you're running away from things by closing off a big part of yourself in this way?" I made it back here at home, still thinking about that question. I started wonder if he was right. I never went to the events for the sake of the event but rather it was for those few times out of the year I get to spend with friends who fly across from all over and share our common musical passions with. That feeling of being lost in the music along with thousands of others with our hearts thumping in sync to the beat; looking at the faces of others and sharing what we were experiencing without even speaking to each other; yeah, that's what did it for me.

That feeling was lightly sparked when I went to New York even though I didn't recognize it then. But being here with my friends who have always been there, hearing the music that has moved me for so long...how could I turn away from this? I talked to my actor friends, those on the outside who had never gone to an event with me and even they said, "This is who you are. Don't turn your back on it." You know what?

They're right.

If I am to fully exist I will follow through with every single one of the passions I carry. The pain that I had associated with it, is only an obstacle. If I quit, then it means heartbreak has won. Dammit, I WILL NOT let it take me down. I live my life right here, right now not just for myself but for my friends who ARE here for me NOW. How have I forgotten the original reasons that brought me to the music?

So, with that I make my decision now that I am going to EDC!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Sia - You've Changed

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first” - Mark Twain

Only nine more days until I head to the Big Apple.  And before it a gauntlet of tasks to be completed before I leave.  I was in a much different place when I had booked my flight at the end of last December.  What came after was an emotional whirlwind which brought me to this current and much different path in life.  Back then I had hoped to share the recent successes with the people in my life at the time and that the bonds I had shared then would have only become stronger coming to this point.  Fate has shaken the snowy, crystal ball and now most of us have gone our separate ways.  Ties have faded or I've had to cut off be cut from (though I hope only temporarily) and we have formed new circles of friends and family to grow within.  It's amazing how after just a few months a view of the world can change.

Originally, this trip was centered around attending Armin van Buuren's first ever A State of Trance anniversary show staged in the United States.  Two years ago, I would have been obsessing over this event.  And while I'm still excited to reunite with friends and will still have fun, I'm not looking forward to those nights so much anymore.  This will be my last "party" after all to seal the retirement of that part of me.  However, I am thrilled to see the city.  To take in the life there that is nothing like here.  It's a feeling I haven't felt since leaving for San Francisco over two years ago.  To experience something so new, something I could only witness in pictures and films but neglecting the smells, touch and taste, something to remind me how big and hopeful the world really is.

I've come across too many people who either believe the world centers around them or create their own fantasy world to be the center of.  Whether it be our always connected culture of social networking or a requirement of jobs like acting we get locked into a mode of self-promotion, constant craving for attention and self-centeredness and place too much weight in it.  I find myself guilty of crossing those lines too at times.  While all of our beings carry a significance, we are but just a part of something much greater.  We lose so much of ourselves to our ambitions and problems that we easily forget about the lives of those around us.  At times, we even forget to regard those in front of us that we spend time with every single day.

We all deserve recognition for the things we work hard for and nothing is wrong at all with self-confidence.  But it just seems to me that as we push self-empowerment more and more, we've begun to be arrogant and place ourselves on too high of pedestals despite our best intentions originally.  I've seen it when I've watched once warm, considerate people turn cocky and without regard before my very eyes and it's such a put off.  How much importance do we put into the intention of wanting to better the lives of those we love?

Being in that new environment reminds me a to obtain a perspective outside of what I deal with.  The world seems so full of promise and possibilities when you begin to notice how many people contribute and share from it.  It can be a sobering reminder that no path one embarks on is set and that all paths have an immense value of enrichment.  I have hope in experiencing that grander level of reciprocity.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." - Sydney J. Harris

And with this new week begins a period of rest.  I've been stressing out for the past month and a half over my agency interview and preparing for it that I was left with little time to collect myself.  Even after this weekend it still hasn't hit me that I now have an agent!  But with this new achievement comes even more work.  As I plow through the employment and tax forms I need to complete and review the casting websites I have to upload my portfolio onto I'm reminded that every step further I take comes more responsibility.  There are now marketing materials I need to create, a website to build, more shots to take... Add to that the rehearsals for Antigone, Mandarin and Hip-Hop classes and stunt training and I have more than a full plate.

I need to remember to slow things down and enjoy this time.  If don't afford these moments for myself I'll go crazy before I know it, even if this all is towards something that I do love.  Perhaps, I'll go back and work on that collage or maybe have a retro game night.  It's been forever since I've played anything...

Now that the group is moving forward, I can finally reveal that I am now a part of the Epic Stunts team!!!  I was introduced to the group by a friend who I had worked with on a show at USC a few years back.  The men leading it are those who have worked in the industry for years and wanted to break off to create their own group of passionate newer talent.  It'll take some caution to not go down that path of being the stereotypical Asian martial arts stunt man but I'll have a chance to do things I've always wanted to do such as wire work, professional fight choreography, crashes, firearms training and much more!  We look forward to have a demo released in the coming weeks.

For the first time in a while I feel winded.  Perhaps my body is still getting used the time change but the thought of lying down on my bed seems very good right now...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Bibio - The Apple And The Tooth

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison

Well, the interview had gone much differently as had expected. Then again, do events in life always play out on the track laid out for them?  The experience was brief and more of an audition to sample a quick taste of the personality of myself and the other actors in my group there that day.  Afterwards, we each read a brief commercial side once through and we were sent on our way.  It wasn't the one on one experience that I had expected.  I was the first one to go up, and to be honest during my read I didn't feel like I was doing well at all.  I seemed to be the one with the least experience and not working on some major film like the others had mentioned during the interview portion and during the side read I could just feel the words coming from my mouth fall flat.

However, with as much as I hope as I had put into this "interview", I'm not at all disappointed as to how this had turned out.  Actually, I feel even more determined now to try again and get this to work.  I learned quite a bit in that brief experience and even should nothing more come from it, it may be for a good reason I believe. Already, I have received another referral to pursue and research has brought up a list of agencies for me to approach.  All doors are not shut and I will find one to walk through.  My reaction to this shows a big change from my old self that would've felt so broken to try again.  I wouldn't be so fortunate to have the support that I do unless there was an actual belief that I can do this.  I'm gonna kill 'em the next chance.  And if that doesn't work, I will do it over and over...

I'm reminded of this story with Mickey Rourke involving the importance of second chances.  Every miss and every failure will make me stronger and if it doesn't take me to my destination then it will take me one more step closer to it.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Tilt - The World Doesn't Know (Original Mix)

“The busy man is troubled with but one devil; the idle man by a thousand” - Spanish Proverb

It's only been a few days but it feels as if I haven't returned to this blog in quite some time. My head spins with all of the things happening right now that I've hardly any time for reflection. For the first time in years, I find myself eager to wake up and get out of bed each morning ready to take on what the day brings. There's a once familiar vigor that has returned coursing through me. Everyday is an adventure learning something new, meeting someone new and better yet...discovering something new in an old friends.

I was approached via ACTS to audition for my first film earlier this week. The role was for the lead in a short that was to be paraded around the festival circuit. After speaking with the producer, I was sent a copy of the script and notified of the filming dates...the same dates that coincided with my upcoming New York trip but after considering that this may have been a great opportunity I responded with my interest knowing that I would have to give up on my trip. Unfortunately, the producers had chosen another actor but if anything is to be learned from this is that I have been tested on my resolve to see my career through. Even just a year ago I would've been much more lackadaisical about this. There will be other opportunities, this is only validation...

Modern dance is incredible!!! Something I've already felt but it took on a new meaning after having our guest artist from Diavolo assist with our Antigone rehearsal on Wednesday. We had sample choreo to pick up and I'm happy to say that I was able to get most of it right away. The choreo itself was just so beautiful and graceful and it was so much fun to make my clumsy body fit into it! It's going to be very interesting to see how this will be worked into the piece.

I spent the day yesterday reuniting with a good friend who has had her own journey since leaving the party scene herself. I had a great time discovering her involvement with theatre at her university. From watching a show there, being amazed at her makeup portfolio, talking about our renewed interests in photography it was great to see these other dimensions of my friend. It had felt as if since announcing my "retirement" from parties I lost many of those who I thought I was close with. It's reassuring to know that some of the great friendships I had in that circle can continue on into something more fulfilling in this new phase of my life.

I was also approached by another old friend who I worked with on a production at USC to train with with his stunt group! They have a practice session going on today that I'm rushing onto after hip-hop so let's hope that this will bring forth new friends and opportunities. Perhaps a fight scene will commence after all!

4 MORE DAYS 'TIL MY AGENCY INTERVIEW!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Bibio - Lover's Carvings (Leatherette Remix)

"I'm in an agreeable state: busy, enthusiastic, curious." - Isabelle Adjani

Ack!  There has been too much going on the past few days so just a quick update today...

I've finally completed inventory of my DVDs for sale!!!  Nearly 700 films now piled up in the corner of my room hoping to find a home with film enthusiasts who are not looking to move onto Blu-Ray yet.  Now to price them, get them out and then after...   ...going through the games  :::shudders:::

Rehearsals for Antigone have been going well!!  We're still waiting for a translation to be decided on but going through the story I can tell that we've got our work cut out for us.  A dancer from the Diavolo company will be leading our next rehearsal so it'll be great to see how we can be challenged movement wise.  I also have had the pleasure of getting to know some of the cast members better and have been inspired to hear their stories of what brought them to the craft.  There something about the whole collaborative process that sets a fire within me and makes me excited to work.  Perhaps it's being able to pick up on the creative energies of my fellow artists and doing my best to reciprocate it.  The show does not run until June 5 but I foresee some gratifyingly intense rehearsals to come.  This will be a great show indeed.  =o)

Mandarin classes began on Friday and I'm glad to see that I've retained some of what I learned the last time I took class nearly ten years ago.  My friend Carin is taking the class with me and I laugh at the verbal sparring we can play around with once we progress.  There is a surprising amount of industry people in the class which just goes to show that there is always an opportunity to network.  Maybe I should get those business cards done after all...

I had such an incredible time with my first Hip-Hop class yesterday!!!  It felt great to finally begin after waiting to take classes for the past three years.  There are about 25 students in the class with only three of them being guys, including myself.  I'm glad to see that my conditioning from martial arts being put to use in such a new way here.  Just about all of us are just starting off but we have a very encouraging instructor and the choreo was a blast to run through even though we were struggling through a good portion of it.

At least there has been some down time with all the madness going on.  I had the opportunity to play with my camera again when a friend came down from New York to visit.  We were able to snap a few pics on our trip to the Santa Monica pier which I have not been to at all in the past two years.  This shot of him practicing Taiji on the beach below was one of my favorites.  The rest of the pics can be seen here.



The pace of everything is getting only crazier as these projects get underway.  I'm finally getting what I wanted which is to break a path and throw myself into the things I love so these coming challenges are very much welcome.  It's the first time I've ever had to use the calendar to keep track of tasks.  Now back to practicing going over copy since there are NINE MORE DAYS 'TIL MY AGENCY INTERVIEW!!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion - Edge of Spring

"Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are." - Frank Salvato

Actors by nature are narcissists, but I've been rather fortunate to work with and befriend actors who are genuinely giving people. I consider these people to be my artistic family and I love them very much. A fear that I had with choosing this profession is how isolated this world can be when you're mostly around those who only lookout for themselves. Ironic since success at the very core of acting involves how deeply humans interact with one another.

Unfortunately, I have dated and fallen for some narcissists too.  Everyone loves those who project confidence but once I see that line crossed into arrogance I start to lose interest as a friend or fall out of love with them. Sometimes, the falling out has happened and I begin to mirror them not realizing this until after the relationship has passed.  Humility and empathy is something I value highly (especially coming from an Asian family) but seems to be lost upon this generation.  There is so much self-love or self-hate in those I meet that they have no room for anyone else.

I worry at times about the tightrope I walk between being self-confident and self-absorbed.  I feel that there is so much that I can do yet I know very well there are only particular times and places for it to be revealed.  It's a big conflict I struggle with while I currently learn to promote myself.  As much as acting is an art, to have a career in it means I must surrender myself to the business aspects of it and this environment is as cutthroat as it can get.  I've seen so many people used, hurt and thrown away by those who don't realize they're doing it.  Maybe, I'm more sensitive to it since that's what I've felt happen to me in my relationships the past few years.

I'm reminded of Conan O'Brien's words in his last show again, "...if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen."  It's an easier road to walk but I couldn't live with myself if I advanced myself over the backs of others.  I've known those who've broke away from others because they move onto the next best thing or go after what they feel is prematurely entitled to them.  I would not want my success to be achieved over the sacrifice of my principles.  I'm going to do this the right way.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track Of The Day:

Air - Alone In Kyoto

"Compromise is but the sacrifice of one right or good in the hope of retaining another--too often ending in the loss of both.” - Tryon Edwards

There are too many things that I want to do...too many things I want to explore. Even now, with things becoming busy again I've only begun to dip my hand into the activities I've planned for myself. Rehearsals are now underway for Detour and Antigone, I've been getting a boost with photography learning techniques from friends and finding subjects to shoot, learning how to use my newly acquired CS4 Master Suite and this weekend I begin Mandarin and Hip-Hop dance classes.

Whenever I get into these modes, I worry that I'm spreading myself too thin. Already, I've missed deadlines for videos I've planned to release. Projects like the fight scene have stalled. I haven't been able to touch my guitar or practice martial arts in the past two weeks, or even practice my tutting and glides at all. And don't get me started on the preparations for my agency meeting or the daily casting submissions I have to make. I'm either doing too many things at once or find myself without the energy to do anything at all. I play up to the extremes and it always seem like such a hard effort to motivate or suppress myself to find that middle ground.

My Tang Soo Do master had taught us that it doesn't matter how smart or talented you are. The people who always succeed are the people who stick with it. He's right. Those who I know are successful are those who just stayed at it regardless of how much aptitude they had for what they did. Just about all of my actor friends are single, mostly by choice because they want to be able to dedicate themselves to their careers.

But, is there really no balance to be found? It's what I strive for in life. Having a significant other to share my life with is to me is just as fulfilling as reaching my dreams. I still refuse to believe it's an either or question. Am I really having to give one up for the other to be successful? My past relationships failed because I couldn't find balance. The more of my life I dedicated to my love I felt I had lost myself because I was not chasing my dream. As soon as I had tried to play catch up, the relationship had begun to fail. But in balancing both, will I never reach the true potential of either?

Well, this stage of my life should be rediscovering myself and who I am. I don't like the events that brought me here but I do have to say this is the most I have felt like myself in years. I feel more capable and many doors have opened themselves up to me. It's then I remember another piece of advice my master gave me. Be the person who you want to attract. When you are fully striving to reach your fullest potential your best of friends and true love will find you.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

No Track of the Day today, but instead I post a vid of one of my martial arts heroes. He may not be a well known name but his pure dedication to Tae Kwon Do and Wushu has placed him among the greats.

Kim Won-Jin Tribute

“There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” — Martha Graham

There is so much energy going around.  I see people around me finding happiness in things and for once that happiness is rooted in the present and what potential the future brings.  I've always found myself living in the past, and while those memories are sweet they cannot be relived.  Always going back to the past chains me from fully leaping forward and enjoying what is right before me.  I find this forward thinking empowering and motivating.  The canvas of which to build my life is blank, ready to be painted by the colors of whatever experience I choose.  Such freedom brings us all great hope, no?

This year's work for East West Players Studio Lab Project will be...

Antigone!!!!!

I've always wanted to work on a Greek play.  Save for the few times I've been fortunate enough to work on Shakespeare and analysis classes back in school, I am a total idiot when it comes to classical pieces.  A new style of analysis and performance to pick up; a journey to the worlds that exist today as dust; a deeper understanding of our condition; I'm excited to learn about this world and see how me and my fellow cast mates will grow from it.

There's a great group assembled this year.  Four actors (including myself) returning from previous Studio Labs with seven others my friend Jimmy calls "the new blood" will be bringing this piece to life.  Eleven of us brought together by a common passion.  In addition, we have a wonderful dancer from the Diavolo show coming in to help us with movement and additional artists to produce original music and assist with play analysis.  I can't stop mentioning at how excited I am about the potential for this show!


I went on a night shoot near Los Angeles' Water and Power building with a friend.  John, I must thank you for letting me use your 50mm lens.  I had to pick up my own after being introduced to the wonderful possibilities shots from that lens could produce.

Lately, I'm finding myself much more at peace when I'm shooting.  I'm finally tapping back into that visual artist in me I had trouble getting back once I found acting.  Pursuing that has also brought me to rediscover friends who I not known before were artists themselves.  They're work is just as inspiring as their friendship.  Check out some of their work...

[Having trouble linking samples of their work but click on their names to see their websites]

Jeff Lee

John Mark Esplana

Ray Perenia


I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

I usually put up a track of the day but for some reason I couldn't get this commercial and the song in it out of my head. Thanks to Robert for sending me this keeping me laughing through the late night

It's no secret that I've been dreading this day.  If today hadn't coincided with Chinese New Year and the Winter Olympics, I would've been on the brink of going off the deep end.  The last thing I need to be reminded of is the loss of the last two years on the eve of what is to be my bigger push of chasing my dream.

But I'm a much happier and fun person than how these entries have been reading these past few months.  I don't want to feel sad anymore while life is calling out for me.  These next few months alone have so many opportunities lined up that I can't take advantage of them being chained down by my guilt.  My words here may be be morose but I'm actually someone who is cheerful, energetic, silly and playful.  And I have the world to give to someone as long as they can effectively show me they appreciate it.

Instead of wallowing the loss today I choose to celebrate it.  For I know, that there are still many in the world who never got to experience how wonderful love can be.  I consider myself fortunate that I was able to feel that again after believing I couldn't after losing my first love years ago.  I took a risk with my heart and with it I gained so many rewards that outweighs the pain I still feel from the loss.  And to you, the world, I give back this song shown to me by the one who brought me that much closer to true love.

[Note: Due to problems with premiere, you'll have to listen to the original song instead of my cover while I get it finished.  Your ears will thank me for this better version anyways.  =oÞ]

To those of you fortunate to be with a loved one today, do me a favor.  I want you to make a list.  On it, write every little quirk of theirs that turns you into a puppy dog, all the moments they have made your breath stop and the times you were floored by their beauty.  Break the list into individual pieces and place these items all over around the house.  And then when you see that person or wait for them wake up next to you, show them around to all the notes and let them know how much they have given to your world.  Make them smile that smile that always brings peace to your heart.  Then grab them and feel the warmth of their body and beats of their heart bounce off your chest.  Feel how soft their skin is.  And taste how sweet their kiss is.  REMIND each other what led you two to come together.  Enjoy every moment with them as if it was your last.  Don't make the same mistake I did and wait for the next Valentine's Day to truly show how much she means to you because she might not be there.  Everyday should really be Valentine's Day with the one you love so much.



Thanks to my inspiration and for teaching me how to love more truly than I have ever before.  I hope that you and everyone else is doing well out there...  =o)


Happy Valentine's Day and 新年快樂 !!

"Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys.” - Emma Bull

Things are just moving too fast today so just a somewhat quick update...

A chance meeting with an old friend at work led to a discovery about him I never knew of all these years. Apparently, he is a photographer and also involved in video production recently setting some projects underway. I'm looking forward to working together with already good friends while we examine common interests we never knew we had before.

I was interviewed today by a Los Angeles Times reporter who saw my tweet about my car being recalled. I guess there are people who come across my Twitter after all. The article may use only a blurb, if that, from my dialogue with the reporter but it just further reinforces the random things that have been appearing in my days lately.

I've been upgraded to performing member of the Detour improv group. I really need to give thanks to the team for believing in me and taking a chance. The team loves the energy I've been able to put in my characters and they say that I'm funnier than I think. I believe that I won't ever get over my fear of improv but I realize now that I don't think I ever want to not be scared of it. Like with any other performances, I just have to trust more in my abilities to turn that fear into productive energy. As I continue to train more with Detour, I look forward to finally be able to get up and "play" without hesitation.

I've been trying to surround myself with happier things lately so I'm working on compiling a collection of Japanese game shows and advertisements to put on DVD and play in the car whenever I'm feeling beside myself. It's about time I convert the ol' Mobile Rave Station into something else.

Driving home from work, surrounded by the gray skies I was surprised to find a brilliant rainbow welcoming me as I crossed onto the 134. This was the best pic I managed to take with my camera phone as I was driving.

Cheesy as it sounds it was nice to remember that even on a day without the sun, some days are still meant to shine just as bright.

Okay, break is over. I have to get back to taking inventory for the big sale and get my promo materials ready in prep for the big interview next month. EWP rehearsals start one week from today, Mandarin and Hip-Hop Dance classes start in three more weeks. It feels really good to be busy again.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day: (More happy tracks!)

Koda Kumi - Koi No Mahou

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” - Galileo Galilei

I've been blessed to find my new friends in this difficult time. One of the reasons why I had to leave the party scene as much as I love the music and my friends was that there wasn't anyone who I connected with anymore. I couldn't find the joy in it and after losing the one I loved it all seemed so empty. Every new person coming in just seemed to be even younger and I just felt even more out of touch.

How fast over time it was that I became the youngest in my group of friends to being the oldest. Always was I there for my friends and helping them sort things out with advice from my own experiences gave me purpose. But I missed the comfort of having friends who were living their lives ahead of me. They were the ones who could truly understand me because they have lived through the problems I was beginning to face. They were the ones who I could go to when things became hard. Struggling to gain an identity when pursuing your dream, struggling to be financially and emotionally available to take care of the love of your life, struggling to adapt to the world when you feel changes within yourself, struggling to keep love of your life within that changing world, struggling to have that deeper fulfillment. No one from that life could truly understand the toll that it was taking on me. Not even the one who I loved so much. Perhaps everything stayed the same and I was the one who changed so much to the world. As my friends Carin and Michelle would tell me, "You're just growing up."

Never had the scene seemed so lonely, the polar opposite of the unity felt when I first came to the scene ten years ago. I have spent the last two years of my life building relationships in this world that there were hardly any friends that existed outside of it. After the break, there was no family for me to go back to. Friends from long ago have lived such different lives that they were now almost strangers to me. Even with the transitions I was experiencing I couldn't return to my old comforts. I never thought I would ever say this but I'm not much of a raver, gamer or anime geek anymore. I'm still young at heart and love these things that will always be a part of me but I just want more out of life now. Photography, dance, acting, martial arts, video production, traveling, finding a deeper meaning to my life are the things that define me now.

With these passions, it is time again to forge groups to share them with. It will be much more work on my part this time around as there isn't a GS.C type of place for each of these things. However, I'm starting to build hope again as I'm looking forward to the people I've yet to meet and the adventures I've yet to have. As my friend told me yesterday, "You might not believe it, but everybody you meet loves you." It's a promising thing to hear isn't it? I thank her in my thoughts every time I remember that.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day: (It just seemed so fitting with the rain today...)

Wanda and the Colossus (EN: Shadow of the Colossus) - Demise of the Ritual

"We are always getting ready to live, but never living" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's amazing how a single day can bring so much hope doesn't it? I had a feeling that this day was different as I had run into my friend randomly on the freeway of all places while she was coming home from a shoot. Today was just a day of positive energies flowing throughout my world.

I received a message from an agent at the Colleen Cler agency looking to set up an interview next month!!! The agency specializes in commercials and print modeling and from the testimonials I've read they carry a very good reputation. I know that this is only a step and nothing is guaranteed but like the favorable response from the casting managers at ABC in December, if feels validating. Further doors of opportunity will open if I'm able to sign with them and if not I'll walk away with a valuable learning experience. I've been very fortunate to be blessed with the encouragement and wishes of other working actors who are at where I want to be and this next step is just further proof that my dream can become a reality. Progress is inspiring!!!

I finally have cable at my place! =o) Adult Swim, Spike, ABDC, G4, Bravo, Discovery...all of which for me to indulge in again. It's a weird thing to be relieved about since I really don't watch television but having it does make the place seem more like home to me. It goes back to when I was little and lived in my house with only my sisters. While they were at work and left me alone, I always turned on all of the TVs and lights in the house to make it seem as if there were people in it. The empty hallways and dark rooms were now full of life and laughter. My room just seems that much more warmer now.

I was also contacted by long lost actor friends from the past that I was happy to hear from. I'm looking forward on having these bonds reconnected and sharing on what our lives have become in our time apart. They bring with them a positive, productive energy which I'm happy to bring more of into my life.

Though all of this pain, I am finally able to feel in my heart what my head knows in that there is still a bright future ahead even if I must take this journey on my own. This new world I have created for myself is finally taking shape. Eschewing the negative influences around me the last few weeks has begun to allow my heart to heal. I've again found joys in the silliest things that make me laugh and the days I've spent crying are becoming fewer. I'm not forgetting the pain but I'm finally putting it in control. I'm one step closer to peace and with that comes even more power to make my dreams into reality.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Koda Kumi - Driving

It's difficult to be a Libra. Even if you don't believe in astrology, I'll tell you that what's written about us fits us almost to a T. We can see both sides in an argument, everything must be balanced, give must EQUAL take (This has always brought my temper out in my relationships/friendships), and always tormented in what action to take because all decisions in involve an equal amount of pain and love. We must have our cake and eat it too and can find no true happiness with anything less. This duality touches upon a fear I've buried for quite sometime. However, it is now resurrected upon my recent reflections.

The fear is that there are no guarantees with where the world of acting will take me. Yet, I am so impassioned to it. I imagine no fulfillment in a life where I do not pursue it. I absolutely refuse to be chained to what is a "normal" life with an everyday job or career that brings me no chance of expression or creative fulfillment. I feel as if I've "sabotaged" the other paths in my life to be anything else. I don't want to be anything else.

But on the other hand, having someone by my side to share the adventures and experiences in my life and inspire me is just as important. It's a cycle of happiness and fulfillment for me in which both parts must be needed in full for balance. I would be a shell of a husband to my wife if I don't chase after my own passions and have none of those experiences and enrichments to offer her. However, at the same time I would never be happy with a life of total self-fulfillment. I need to know that actions I take are of worth to something greater than myself, like to a family of my own.

I stressed over how I would have tried to make this world come true with the one I love but I could not communicate it and had to break with her believing something much different. I must now live with the fact that closure may not come anytime soon or not at all.

The ONLY thing I have now after my loss is sole faith that I am taking actions true to myself. I KNOW that I have something in me to contribute to the world through my craft. Let's be VERY honest here, I'm a short, average-looking Asian male. In Hollywood terms, I'm not stopping traffic on any streets here. If I am to make it, it's going to be through talent, skill, ingenuity and luck. Dealing with this loss is only the beginning of the difficulties I face in carving myself a life founded upon my passions.

If there ever was a time for me to give it all it is now, for I have no one to live for but myself now.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France

I'm on such a quote kick lately... =oÞ

The days themselves seem to pass ever so slowly but such a contrast I see when I look at the calendar and notice how fast time has passed. Oh my, how much have myself and the people around me changed. Goals, priorities, attitudes renew themselves radically and even faces in some cases no longer are familiar. I guess I should not have expected for all of us to change together in the same direction.

I'd have to say that I started realizing my true self about five years ago and by that I mean it was at the time I started reaching for my passions. I've grown and changed so much in these past few years than I ever have in the time before that. I've developed a strong desire for adventure, for travel and for an even stronger need to have a network of friends and loved ones to share those experiences with. I was such a materialistic person before that. I had to collect every single game and movie I could get my hands on. I had to drive my Mercedes and have nothing but the latest to prove my worth. Each of those things later became nothing but a burden to me. What really made me happy were experiences and at that particular point in my life I had very few. I had found a new drive in wanting to change that and doing so has brought me much better things into my life.

I'm trying to regain myself...to tap into that potential that I know is there in my heart. From the people I've encountered in my life and to those gracious enough to take me into their hearts, I know that I am capable of doing great things. And I know that there is no one else like me. Perhaps this time I'll be able to find those who truly understand and appreciate me.

To those in the past I've shared so much with, including those I'm not on good terms with. I look forward to the day when we all can look back at our trangressions in peace and reform our bonds of friendship as the magnificent people we are becoming.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Yet ANOTHER Quote:

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi

No deep reflections today... Just enjoying the sun shining through my room...

Almost three months here and this place doesn't feel like home yet. Perhaps it's because I haven't lived in the same place for more than two years since high school and never learned how to settle properly. Maybe it's because my walls are so sterile. It could use more life, yeah? I wish I had more things to put up. Not just fanboy autographed stuff either which I do have more of but rather things from my own adventures. Right now the most significant adventures I've ever experienced weren't necessarily "my own". It looks like I have another goal now...

Any interior decorator friends have any input here? I'll use these pics as progress then. =o)

This track from long ago fits the mood....

Orange Lounge - Mobo Moga


In other news, I've signed up for a Mandarin and dance class to get myself occupied but more on that later. I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Oh, have I forgetten how to smile...

The world is in a much bleaker state as when I was last in this position. The ripple effect that began with the economic crisis has brought forth tragedies and created situations where life's priorities are seriously questioned. It has created fractures and breaks in the relationships around me and had added further stresses to one I had. It has unearthed problems within individuals once sheathed by a lifestyle of squandering and carelessness for their own actions. I said before that loneliness is ever present now than ever. And it's not necessarily that many around us are without friends, but rather that many of us are without people who we feel could truly understand us and lift our spirits. I was blessed last time to find a community of friends that welcomed me with open arms and brought into my life some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. They had brought me adventures, the gift of dance, the promise of love and a sense of family I've never had before.

However, that group today is shattered. It's members having gone their separate ways and with those remaining splintering further over a character assassination war I chose to walk away from. I found my true friends few in number as I found out that some had their own interests well in mind and inadvertently stabbed me in the back. So many of us have focused so inward to question the demons that haunt us that we easily forget that we aren't only ones in pain. I'm reminded even further by the blog I first mentioned a few days ago that there are others in the same situation as I. I can't stand back and watch the world spin in this direction any further...

Going through my older blog entries, I'm reminded that a clairvoyant friend long ago told me that I'm meant to thrive amongst people. As much as I believe that, I feel like I've forgotten how to. I usually have a very cheerful disposition and I don't like being that person who brings everyone down which brings me to this next excerpt from my entries:

"There is a thing that I have always heard and I have now proven it to be true: Finding happiness and confidence in yourself will draw it out in others... The great thing about that is that it is contagious to a point that once the people near you see those things and draw it out in themselves it will further reinforce your own positive qualities and perhaps bring it out further. It's a mutual exchange that perpetually builds upon itself without end.

The point: Just be happy dammit...and those around will you be too!"


I'm reminded again of my mission and it is clear.


I'm on a mission to capture that fire within my heart again. It's still there. Nary but a flicker at times and others a scorching tempest but I know it's still there. I must capture it with my two hands, take it into my chest and reunite it with my soul. I've always had the power to influence others and the time is needed again for all of us to shine our lights back to the world.

As the clouds slowly lift in this perceived darkness I find myself in every day, I'm starting to find those bright gems again in friends of old and new. Though small in number, collectively, you wield the power of a family to me so strong that I feel the heat of that fire once again.

To my friends Carin, Mark, Andrei, Maria, Wilson, Tina, Michelle, Vance...you guys give me strength. May I rise again and have my light shine with your own. Together, may our hope become the needle to penetrate that cynical fabric laying over the hearts of the people. We will weave with the hearts of our friends and family a future as bright as smiles we fight to put on now.


Here's my quote for the day:

"The worst situation is when you want to win but you're afraid of losing. The best situation is when you want to win but you never fear loss." - Liu Guoliang

And my track of the day:

Utada Hikaru - Sanctuary

Rebuilding yourself is like learning how to walk all over again. And like auditioning, it doesn't matter how many times you have went through it. It doesn't get any easier.

Experiencing happiness or sorrow in a situation lies in the perception of the person viewing it. Whether by some moral obligation, guilt or just selfishness, a person chooses to let their life affect them they way they do regardless of their consciousness of it. This is a lesson I forgot that I had learned over two years ago. I had let the stresses of my job, the shortcomings, the lack of expected progress with my life affect the relationships of those important to me. I became angry, resentful and distant to those I wanted to be near the most. Clichéd as it sounds, making lemons out of lemonade is a behavior best adhered to at all times and never should be forgotten. Never losing sight of what and who you truly fight for was the lesson I needed to learn.

Rebuilding my life in the last few months also included the restructuring of my finances. Living in the new place, and exercising a more discriminating eye on my wallet, I've lowered my cloud of debt by half so far, began to rebuild my savings and the money once set aside for a ring and a dream that now isn't to be can now be used again to set myself free even further. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get enough from the sales of my collection to be set free from a chain holding me back for nearly a decade now. Now, it's time to really see the road ahead of me for what it is.

Where does the road take me now? I'm not sure exactly but I want to go away somewhere far. Some place that does not seem anything like here. And it must be lively, I'm not ready to be visiting any places that are serene with the calamity going on in my mind. Will I go back to Japan, to Hong Kong, or even Spain? I'm feeling that spirit that made me want to close my eyes and make that mission to the islands two years go. But even as it has been some time, I have to remember I am no longer am dreaming for two now. That moment is in the past now. That future no longer exists. The reality is that I have only myself to answer to now. I can still live the dreams and carry out the adventures in my heart, I just have to do it alone for now and save the sharing of those experiences for a later date.

One of the greatest quotes for me to relate to right now. "I can't talk to you anymore, it's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can't have you and that makes me love you even more."