It's Funny Really....

Posted by Solace In Hunger

I haven't been able to update this at all in the past few weeks but all I have to say is this for now...

Love does have a funny way of sneaking up on you doesn't it? Especially when you're not looking for it...and especially when you don't want to find it...

Maybe it's just because I came from one of the most beautiful weddings ever this past weekend and the air of love is still around everywhere. But still to see someone in a new light who's been there all along...

Okay, no more before I get myself into trouble...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


The Reward Is Worth The Risk

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good." - Vaclav Havel

I have spent this past year taking care of debt brought on by some careless years during high school and indirectly from some failed relationships I have had and came near to having it all clear again. But what many don't realize is that acting is a very expensive business to be in. A lot of money is spent on marketing materials like headshots, business cards, actors slates, demo reels (acting, stunts, voice) and websites. Even more is spent on classes to nurture your craft, especially for those moments when you're not working and not drawing in any income. The result is me finding myself almost back to where I was financially all just to keep even with everybody else in the business!

You're suddenly investing more and more money in yourself. More than you've ever spent on that new gadget, video game or trip to end the year with. You become that company that goes public hoping to find others to take a chance in you as well. You become the product and try to sell yourself. You have to become your own biggest fan and support while being fully conscious that the possibility of none of it working out is fully tangible. You begin an every day relationship with failure to learn to better cope with it and let it further motivate you. You come face to face with your will and see it for what it really is. You become quicker, leaner, stronger, efficient...anything just to give you that edge. Determination and hunger for progression grows even further but at the price of your general contentment and peace. And despite facing rejection on a daily basis, feeling isolated and that the world is against you, you can't ever see yourself doing anything else.

I'm not in this town to be a star, I just want to be a working actor. I'm thankful that I still have a day job that still that pays well enough for me to make a dent in everything right now. Every time I stress about my balance sheet getting higher and higher, I think back to every project I've been on, every performance that's moved me, every working actor I've become friends with and remember every word of reassuring praise I get from working with them and remind myself I belong here.

The reward is definitely worth the risk....

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


Touching Base

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"The winner is one who knows when to drop out in order to get in touch." - Marshall McLuhan

It's been about three weeks since Antigone has ended and that I've gone on my break.  Well, maybe that break lasted only for a week since I've spent the majority of that time learning Premiere and After Effects to create the New York video.  It's been a fun process and I can see why many others I know like to create videos.  However, this will all be put to the test when I help out with productions for Epic Stunts for a series of shorts we all had in mind.

I've been blessed lately to reunite with old friends from different circles the last few weeks.  It's been amazing to catch up, have fun and party with everybody and it reminds me what it is like to be me again.  I've got just one more week before I fully go back to the grind of work and the madness of more auditions and training again but for now the sun will set and with the moon comes the heavy beats and bright lights of a little event we like to call EDC...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there...  =o)

No Track of the Day again but instead I bring to you finally the New York video!


Second Sun

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Without Inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant, they is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with sparks." - Johann Gottfried Von Herder

And the curtain has finally drawn on Antigone. Four months of intense work for this one night and away with it I come out with a deeper understanding of my craft and with some new friends. As much as I love acting, what many people don't realize is how emotionally draining the process is. It was a struggle to establish my connection with the piece and I am ever grateful to the cast and director on helping me with through it. I thank all those who were able to make it out the show.

Well, as I now have this time of rest before the next journey as an actor at least I can spend it things that I've been neglecting for the past few months like see old friends, go out shooting or better yet... finally complete my trip video...

Now, to just deflate for the month, "default" and connect with my inspiration once again...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

No Track of the Day, but rather a good video my friend Janet made. A Visual Expressions piece she made a few weeks ago with stills I shot around the house. Janet did an amazing job with the video and with our makeup.

Visual Expressions Clip


Change Of Perspective?

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it." - Vince Lombardi

Tonight, I saw good friends I haven't seen in a long time; friends I haven't seen since striving to reinvent myself at the beginning of this year. As some of these friends were of the old party scene they brought up the inevitable question of what event I'm going to next. Apparently, news of the retirement had not gone out to everybody. I told those who hadn't known that it was just a time for me to move on past it and take care of other things. Well, they wouldn't be my friends if they didn't have any insight...

They all stopped and one of them had asked, "Don't you feel like you're running away from things by closing off a big part of yourself in this way?" I made it back here at home, still thinking about that question. I started wonder if he was right. I never went to the events for the sake of the event but rather it was for those few times out of the year I get to spend with friends who fly across from all over and share our common musical passions with. That feeling of being lost in the music along with thousands of others with our hearts thumping in sync to the beat; looking at the faces of others and sharing what we were experiencing without even speaking to each other; yeah, that's what did it for me.

That feeling was lightly sparked when I went to New York even though I didn't recognize it then. But being here with my friends who have always been there, hearing the music that has moved me for so long...how could I turn away from this? I talked to my actor friends, those on the outside who had never gone to an event with me and even they said, "This is who you are. Don't turn your back on it." You know what?

They're right.

If I am to fully exist I will follow through with every single one of the passions I carry. The pain that I had associated with it, is only an obstacle. If I quit, then it means heartbreak has won. Dammit, I WILL NOT let it take me down. I live my life right here, right now not just for myself but for my friends who ARE here for me NOW. How have I forgotten the original reasons that brought me to the music?

So, with that I make my decision now that I am going to EDC!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Sia - You've Changed


To Fit In Or Stand Out

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Don't think you're on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path." - Unknown

I'm both saddened and amazed at the amount of racism that I still see around in this day.  News about Rima Fakih's win as the first Arab-American (in recent memory) to win the title of Miss USA brought about some of the worst comments I've read on various blogs about how PC the pageant has become and how her win was manifested by bedding of Hezbollah and liberal elite.  I really don't watch pageants and am unfamiliar with the judging criteria but the woman is gorgeous and I'd like to think that she won mainly because of that.  But to see such ass-backwards, close-minded opinions become strong enough to permeate wall up a public forum leaves me dumbfounded. This hits closer to home since it's a reflection of how much progress needs to be made for Asian-American performing artists to gain equal footing in an increasingly polarized nation.

People who have met me, especially in the last few months, may find me to be some sort of Asian-American closet activist from proudly wearing my Blacklava and RaceBending.com shirts, attending and participating in AA media events, to gaining significantly more AAs into my circles of friends.  All from a person who just as of late last year was only heard of embarking on fairly neutral interests and thoughts.  The only things that brought me close to my traditional Asian side were my broken Taiwanese and knowledge of great places to eat in Monterey Park and Rowland Heights.  To be honest, matters of race have never really stirred me up until I pressed upon acting as a profession recently.

Growing up entirely in the San Fernando Valley, a suburb north of Los Angeles, I was of a few (if not only) Asian faces in my elementary classes in the 80's.  However, those same classes had not only African-American or white kids but those that were Persian, Armenian and East Indian.  Each of these kids played with me no different than any other and I was fortunate not be conscious of any exclusion if there was any.  My circle of friends today are just as mixed of varying races.  I've dated more non-Asian women than Asian women and could never relate to common complaint listed by the majority of Asian men as being shunned by other races so often.  Of all this, I am very fortunate and I grew up with a blind eye to the heartbreak of prejudice.

My decision began to embark on acting came shortly high school when, figuring what to do with the rest of my life, I decided to take an acting class at a community college.  At the recommendation, of my (white) acting teachers I was suggested to begin auditioning for school and community plays.  Even then, my luck continued as I was cast with little regard to my race.  I've taken significant and sometimes lead roles in casts where I was the sole minority at times.  As I also have found this to be my calling at this time, I decided to push head first into making this a career.

It took many years to finally take my craft into professional territory, but doing so I finally have hit upon the lack of opportunities my predecessors had to face.  Most castings notices that I come across for male Asian actors are for small "throwaway" roles like bellboys, shopkeepers, computer scientists.  Fortunately, I have had better fare with the auditions my agent has been sending me out for which have been more for unspecified-ethnic roles but I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind whether or not producers can only be much more lenient with casting as these are smaller profile projects.  Friends comes back with stories about how they were asked to by casting directors to redo auditions with an "Asian" (read: FOB) accent even though a role was written with a neutrality.  Even my first credited project was as a "Triad-type martial artist" and I fully realize that I may already be setting myself up to be typecast as a martial arts hero/villain/henchman or stunts-only type.  Already all of this while I am just only beginning to break the surface!  Who knows how many more stories like this I will have to tell once I move further along.

My inspirations in acting can be attributed to the likes of Gary Oldman, Brian Cox, Kevin Spacey and Tim Roth.  I do have Asian favorites such as Tony Leung and Beat Takeshi, but notice how I had to turn to international cinema to find such heroes?  I have no true relation to those I see on film and on television except for the occasional spark of hope granted by Daniel Dae Kim, Justin Lin, Sung Kang, etc.  But I am left only to aspire in joining with my professional peers to being trailblazers in shaking up the media demographic. We have a collective dream that has yet to realized in history. This fact that no true Asian-American star exists adds even further pressure to be successful.

All of a sudden as an Asian-American, the goal of fame and success has become to be the only true way of receiving validation which as an artist is the very same thing that brings detriment. I don't want to do that. It is a goal based on luck with no promise of fulfillment. Many near and dear to me use celebrity as a motivator and I've watched them lose their souls while developing a poisonous narcissism. But every work I do, no matter how insignificant, now carries this pressure that it is not just for myself anymore but also for our struggling community. For it is the advancement of this very community that can only bring all of us future, richer opportunities in today's world.

Who knows where I will end up.  Like many before me, with me and perhaps even after me we have no choice but to keep fighting...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there...  =o)

Track of the Day:

Justice -  Waters of Nazareth (Original Mix)


Checkpoint: IMDb

Posted by Solace In Hunger


Well, it's a small credit but I'm finally on there. Now let's just hope that it will only grow from here. There's another project through EPIC in the pipeline that is in negotiations right now. If things follow though, I'll have some great news to report and a second credit to add in the next few months!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Super Junior - Don't Don


Paying My Dues...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"To me an audition is 30 crazed people in a room waiting to be axed." - Kathie Lee Gifford

So, I had just come back from an audition in Hollywood.  The call was for a "Dad" type which immediately drew a red flag for me.  The fact it was for an ad for a very well known cabinet company (read: directed at homeowners and people 10-20 years older than me) should have been my second.  But I did my homework and went to the company's website and spotted their existing ads.  Yep, older people dressed up in button up Oxfords and sweaters.  I thought that at least I could get by on dress.

And to the audition and through the hallways into the studio I went passing by larger than life headshots of celebrities taken when they were in the same halls long before I.  It's a reminder to myself that all of us started in the same place.  At the end of it, a large photography studio about twice the size of a basketball court set up for a photo shoot and against its corner ten other actors.  Ten other men, mostly older than me (as expected), leaning up the wall each hoping to be the one to represent this year's fine line of cabinets.  But what really got to me was that each of these other people were just in T-shirts, jeans and miscellaneous clothing.  Not all of them looked like dads but whatever the case they looked like themselves.  Bachelors, party-goers, they were just who they were.  And here I was in my button-up Oxford and V-Neck sweater looking not like someone in a Banana Republic ad but rather someone trying to be in a Banana Republic ad.  The photographer had taken some shots of me and had me role play with a cooking spoon as if I had just completed a delicious meal in front of my wonderful new cabinetry.

Yeah, I'll consider this one a pass...

In contrast to all this, I was submitted for a Japanese music video which sought for "Japanese or mixed Asian 18 and older to look younger"  Knowing how much younger than my age I look and hearing from other Asians about how mixed I look I thought I would fare much better here.  However, the submission also required indicating an actual birth year to which I fired off with a slight hesitation.  I did get a response from casting...

"Please confirm the birth year, your submission currently indicates you're 30."

"The birth year is correct"

"Sorry, we won't be able to use your submission.  You do look much younger than your age but we can't use you..."

Well, the fact that I even got a response showed that I was at least in the range of what they were looking for at some point.  If I was even a bit wrong for the part, I would've been dismissed entirely without even receiving a response.  But c'mon people we're all about illusions in this business.  I'm being passed for roles my age because I look too young and that I totally understand (though if I'm having to audition for something on Teen Disney when I hit my mid-thirties, I'm going to be a little irked.).  But if I'm being passed on roles I "look" appropriate for because of my actual age then I still can't help but feel a little frustrated.

It's said in some circles that you book a ballpark figure of one job out of every hundred auditions you do.  Well, I've seen many friends fare with a much better ratio even when they are starting out but if that figure holds true then I still have about 95 more auditions to through before landing something.  Then again if I'm counting also stunt work Epic has booked so far then I have about 290 more auditions before landing the next project!  =oÞ

Of course, I too am hoping to fare with a better ratio but it was relieving to hear to just about everybody lucky enough to make a career out of this has had to go through the process.  The following was taken from Sung Kang's latest entry from YOMYOMF

"Then it was non stop auditions for about a year. Sometimes three a day. But never booked a single job. My self esteem started to waiver. What the heck!? Not even one. I decided to take as many classes on commercial acting as possible. I was going to beat this bad streak. I must of spent at least three grand on the workshops."

The blog doesn't have the pleasing end with the job he would eventually land but those of us lucky enough see him in Better Luck Tomorrow, Fast and the Furious, Live Free or Die Hard, Ninja Assassin, etc...know that he ended up doing pretty well for himself.

And with that I just continue to motivate myself further and think "Stay the course"

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Oh No - African Chant (Original Mix)


Don't Blink

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"I don't think we realise just how fast we go until you stop for a minute and realise just how loud and how hectic your life is, and how easily distracted you can get." - Meg Ryan

Time has ever become a scarce commodity since returning from New York.  Between Antigone and stunt rehearsals, learning lines, auditions, and shooting projects, I find myself struggling just to find a few minutes to catch up with friends, read news or even write in this blog.  I spend more time sleeping in my car then in my bed at home, which is clearly evidenced by the snacks and a good portion of my wardrobe taking up the back seat.  Had it not been for spending a few minutes on Twitter and Facebook to update statuses here and there, it would seem that I would've disappeared from the world entirely!

But despite that I'm half awake, facing off-book deadlines, working with an uncertain, socially-unfriendly schedule and pushing myself to make new submissions daily I'm having fun with it.  Granted, I won't be able to keep this up forever, my body is already telling me.  I will need to rest, catch up on other things I've been putting off, see my family and friends and take a step away...even if it is from something I love.  But right now, I'm feeling more content knowing that I'm able to dedicate myself to where my passion is, I just need to learn how to make more efficient use of my time.  More to come later on when time permits...

Now back to learning my lines for Antigone....

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Bibio - Ambivalence Avenue (Original Mix)


The City That Never Sleeps

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Every true New Yorker believes with all his heart that when a New Yorker is tired of New York, he is tired of life." - Robert Moses

I have been up for nearly the past thirty hours....  I'm half awake, dreading work tomorrow but I have the biggest smile on my face.  There's no way that I can effective post everything about how much fun and incredible Manhattan was.... so with the remainder of my strength I offer these blurbs....

- The sensory overload given by the scope of the city
- The sweet smell of honey roasted nuts sold by the vendors at every corner
- The labyrinthine tunnels of NY Penn Station
- Romantic's view of the city is very accurate as to how it really is
- Don't expect to see any blue sky unless you look STRAIGHT up!
- Weather was perfect.  Chilly in the morning and warm in the afternoon.  I didn't need to wear any of the heavy coats I bought just for the trip.
- There is so much life that could be felt in the city.  I lost an entire just touring Central Park and seeing all the different types of people that went through it.
- ...and Central Park is RIDICULOUSLY HUGE
- I loved talking to the different vendors who were surprisingly very helpful.
- I missed out on the activities I planned to do, instead getting "lost" in the city and taking in its people
- I learned immediately how to walk and cross streets like a resident New Yorker
- Flash Mob Pillow Fight in Union Square!!!!
- People there are gorgeous and look like they coming out an magazine ad just walking the street
- Retreading the same damn loop multiple times in front of my hotel with Juan because we kept missing the exit
- Both Chinatown and Little Italy are very small.  One ends and the other begins on the same tiny block!
- New Yorkers are actually very friendly (and very flirty =o) ) despite their reputation for being the opposite.  They're not rude, just very to the point and expect the same in return.
- Walking through Farmer's Market and having a cup of fresh apple cider.
- What a wonderful vibe entering Roseland Ballroom.  We had a long line getting in, but it moved very fast especially considering the type of event.
- Dylan's Candy Bar with Amanda and Felix!!!
- Juan has taught the local guido dance of "Opening the gates of Heaven" and "Closing the gates of Hell"
- Meeting and talking to Menno de Jong and Roger Shah and finding them to be some of the nicest, appreciative, most laid back people I've ever met.
- Hearing Ashley played several times... but it's okay I LOVE that song.
- Armin playing a dark side of trance not heard of in years.  Could that original feeling finally be coming back?
-Watching Filo and Peri do that same dance on stage made ASOT450 even more memorable
- I lost my phone jumping between trains heading back to Jersey and spend more replacing that than I did during my days in the city.
-I still don't plan on ever returning to the party scene but ASOT450 was a damn good way to end things.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Bart Claessen - Hartsser (Original Mix) - Probably my favorite track that Armin played on night 1



Posted by Solace In Hunger

“There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full” - Henry Kissinger

Phew...okay.  Another one of those "too much going on but I need to make an update" updates.  And here we go in 3...2...1...


We have just finalized casting for Antigone and our work is definitely cut out for us.  We have had a guest artist from Diavolo and a voice specialist from Cal State Long Beach come to assist us in performance techniques and staging.  Though this is a traditionally classical play, I'm excited by what these abstract elements will bring to the piece.  Oh, and vocal exercises have been great on the abs.  ;)


EPIC Stunts was just picked up for our first project!!!  It's an independent film in the vein of female-themed actioners of the 70's and late 90's.  We're still in the process of signing the contracts and finalizing shooting dates so I'm holding back details until that is set.  And practice starts right when I come back from NY.  YAY pain!


Carin has notified me of hip-hop classes being offered through her artisan community/church .  The instructors and alumni have been featured on So You Think You Can Dance.  This will be a great way to continue training as my last class had ended last week.  That end came only too soon as it felt like I was only just beginning to tap into this other creative side of myself that I never knew was there.  From what I've been reading for the group they seem to be very supportive as well as they are passionate so this will indeed be a great direction to take.

Something new?

Introducing my new best friend accompanying me to New York.   For years I had always wanted a video camera to document the many adventures and going's on in my life.

Something random


Taken last night from a shoot with my friend Janet for her theatre piece demonstrating abstract relationships.

See you all when I get back from NY!!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day

Bibio - Sugarette (Original Mix)


Stepping Outside The Box

Posted by Solace In Hunger

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first” - Mark Twain

Only nine more days until I head to the Big Apple.  And before it a gauntlet of tasks to be completed before I leave.  I was in a much different place when I had booked my flight at the end of last December.  What came after was an emotional whirlwind which brought me to this current and much different path in life.  Back then I had hoped to share the recent successes with the people in my life at the time and that the bonds I had shared then would have only become stronger coming to this point.  Fate has shaken the snowy, crystal ball and now most of us have gone our separate ways.  Ties have faded or I've had to cut off be cut from (though I hope only temporarily) and we have formed new circles of friends and family to grow within.  It's amazing how after just a few months a view of the world can change.

Originally, this trip was centered around attending Armin van Buuren's first ever A State of Trance anniversary show staged in the United States.  Two years ago, I would have been obsessing over this event.  And while I'm still excited to reunite with friends and will still have fun, I'm not looking forward to those nights so much anymore.  This will be my last "party" after all to seal the retirement of that part of me.  However, I am thrilled to see the city.  To take in the life there that is nothing like here.  It's a feeling I haven't felt since leaving for San Francisco over two years ago.  To experience something so new, something I could only witness in pictures and films but neglecting the smells, touch and taste, something to remind me how big and hopeful the world really is.

I've come across too many people who either believe the world centers around them or create their own fantasy world to be the center of.  Whether it be our always connected culture of social networking or a requirement of jobs like acting we get locked into a mode of self-promotion, constant craving for attention and self-centeredness and place too much weight in it.  I find myself guilty of crossing those lines too at times.  While all of our beings carry a significance, we are but just a part of something much greater.  We lose so much of ourselves to our ambitions and problems that we easily forget about the lives of those around us.  At times, we even forget to regard those in front of us that we spend time with every single day.

We all deserve recognition for the things we work hard for and nothing is wrong at all with self-confidence.  But it just seems to me that as we push self-empowerment more and more, we've begun to be arrogant and place ourselves on too high of pedestals despite our best intentions originally.  I've seen it when I've watched once warm, considerate people turn cocky and without regard before my very eyes and it's such a put off.  How much importance do we put into the intention of wanting to better the lives of those we love?

Being in that new environment reminds me a to obtain a perspective outside of what I deal with.  The world seems so full of promise and possibilities when you begin to notice how many people contribute and share from it.  It can be a sobering reminder that no path one embarks on is set and that all paths have an immense value of enrichment.  I have hope in experiencing that grander level of reciprocity.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


Catching My Breath...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." - Sydney J. Harris

And with this new week begins a period of rest.  I've been stressing out for the past month and a half over my agency interview and preparing for it that I was left with little time to collect myself.  Even after this weekend it still hasn't hit me that I now have an agent!  But with this new achievement comes even more work.  As I plow through the employment and tax forms I need to complete and review the casting websites I have to upload my portfolio onto I'm reminded that every step further I take comes more responsibility.  There are now marketing materials I need to create, a website to build, more shots to take... Add to that the rehearsals for Antigone, Mandarin and Hip-Hop classes and stunt training and I have more than a full plate.

I need to remember to slow things down and enjoy this time.  If don't afford these moments for myself I'll go crazy before I know it, even if this all is towards something that I do love.  Perhaps, I'll go back and work on that collage or maybe have a retro game night.  It's been forever since I've played anything...

Now that the group is moving forward, I can finally reveal that I am now a part of the Epic Stunts team!!!  I was introduced to the group by a friend who I had worked with on a show at USC a few years back.  The men leading it are those who have worked in the industry for years and wanted to break off to create their own group of passionate newer talent.  It'll take some caution to not go down that path of being the stereotypical Asian martial arts stunt man but I'll have a chance to do things I've always wanted to do such as wire work, professional fight choreography, crashes, firearms training and much more!  We look forward to have a demo released in the coming weeks.

For the first time in a while I feel winded.  Perhaps my body is still getting used the time change but the thought of lying down on my bed seems very good right now...

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Bibio - The Apple And The Tooth


! :::Insert Metal Gear Sound Here:::

Posted by Solace In Hunger

I just got a call back from CCA and THEY'RE INTERESTED IN SIGNING ME!!!!


Okay, nothing is done until we sign on the dotted line now.  Off to lunch while I go compose myself

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


You Can't Knock Me Down

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison

Well, the interview had gone much differently as had expected. Then again, do events in life always play out on the track laid out for them?  The experience was brief and more of an audition to sample a quick taste of the personality of myself and the other actors in my group there that day.  Afterwards, we each read a brief commercial side once through and we were sent on our way.  It wasn't the one on one experience that I had expected.  I was the first one to go up, and to be honest during my read I didn't feel like I was doing well at all.  I seemed to be the one with the least experience and not working on some major film like the others had mentioned during the interview portion and during the side read I could just feel the words coming from my mouth fall flat.

However, with as much as I hope as I had put into this "interview", I'm not at all disappointed as to how this had turned out.  Actually, I feel even more determined now to try again and get this to work.  I learned quite a bit in that brief experience and even should nothing more come from it, it may be for a good reason I believe. Already, I have received another referral to pursue and research has brought up a list of agencies for me to approach.  All doors are not shut and I will find one to walk through.  My reaction to this shows a big change from my old self that would've felt so broken to try again.  I wouldn't be so fortunate to have the support that I do unless there was an actual belief that I can do this.  I'm gonna kill 'em the next chance.  And if that doesn't work, I will do it over and over...

I'm reminded of this story with Mickey Rourke involving the importance of second chances.  Every miss and every failure will make me stronger and if it doesn't take me to my destination then it will take me one more step closer to it.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Tilt - The World Doesn't Know (Original Mix)


Coming Soon...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

Ridiculously sore from yesterday...and what a hard but productive day it was...

A big development occurred yesterday but as excited as I am 'tis all I can mention for now. Things are about to fall into place in a very good way the next few months and that going back to intense physical training is now a necessity...


I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


Plate Spinning

Posted by Solace In Hunger

“The busy man is troubled with but one devil; the idle man by a thousand” - Spanish Proverb

It's only been a few days but it feels as if I haven't returned to this blog in quite some time. My head spins with all of the things happening right now that I've hardly any time for reflection. For the first time in years, I find myself eager to wake up and get out of bed each morning ready to take on what the day brings. There's a once familiar vigor that has returned coursing through me. Everyday is an adventure learning something new, meeting someone new and better yet...discovering something new in an old friends.

I was approached via ACTS to audition for my first film earlier this week. The role was for the lead in a short that was to be paraded around the festival circuit. After speaking with the producer, I was sent a copy of the script and notified of the filming dates...the same dates that coincided with my upcoming New York trip but after considering that this may have been a great opportunity I responded with my interest knowing that I would have to give up on my trip. Unfortunately, the producers had chosen another actor but if anything is to be learned from this is that I have been tested on my resolve to see my career through. Even just a year ago I would've been much more lackadaisical about this. There will be other opportunities, this is only validation...

Modern dance is incredible!!! Something I've already felt but it took on a new meaning after having our guest artist from Diavolo assist with our Antigone rehearsal on Wednesday. We had sample choreo to pick up and I'm happy to say that I was able to get most of it right away. The choreo itself was just so beautiful and graceful and it was so much fun to make my clumsy body fit into it! It's going to be very interesting to see how this will be worked into the piece.

I spent the day yesterday reuniting with a good friend who has had her own journey since leaving the party scene herself. I had a great time discovering her involvement with theatre at her university. From watching a show there, being amazed at her makeup portfolio, talking about our renewed interests in photography it was great to see these other dimensions of my friend. It had felt as if since announcing my "retirement" from parties I lost many of those who I thought I was close with. It's reassuring to know that some of the great friendships I had in that circle can continue on into something more fulfilling in this new phase of my life.

I was also approached by another old friend who I worked with on a production at USC to train with with his stunt group! They have a practice session going on today that I'm rushing onto after hip-hop so let's hope that this will bring forth new friends and opportunities. Perhaps a fight scene will commence after all!


I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Bibio - Lover's Carvings (Leatherette Remix)


Like A Whirlwind

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"I'm in an agreeable state: busy, enthusiastic, curious." - Isabelle Adjani

Ack!  There has been too much going on the past few days so just a quick update today...

I've finally completed inventory of my DVDs for sale!!!  Nearly 700 films now piled up in the corner of my room hoping to find a home with film enthusiasts who are not looking to move onto Blu-Ray yet.  Now to price them, get them out and then after...   ...going through the games  :::shudders:::

Rehearsals for Antigone have been going well!!  We're still waiting for a translation to be decided on but going through the story I can tell that we've got our work cut out for us.  A dancer from the Diavolo company will be leading our next rehearsal so it'll be great to see how we can be challenged movement wise.  I also have had the pleasure of getting to know some of the cast members better and have been inspired to hear their stories of what brought them to the craft.  There something about the whole collaborative process that sets a fire within me and makes me excited to work.  Perhaps it's being able to pick up on the creative energies of my fellow artists and doing my best to reciprocate it.  The show does not run until June 5 but I foresee some gratifyingly intense rehearsals to come.  This will be a great show indeed.  =o)

Mandarin classes began on Friday and I'm glad to see that I've retained some of what I learned the last time I took class nearly ten years ago.  My friend Carin is taking the class with me and I laugh at the verbal sparring we can play around with once we progress.  There is a surprising amount of industry people in the class which just goes to show that there is always an opportunity to network.  Maybe I should get those business cards done after all...

I had such an incredible time with my first Hip-Hop class yesterday!!!  It felt great to finally begin after waiting to take classes for the past three years.  There are about 25 students in the class with only three of them being guys, including myself.  I'm glad to see that my conditioning from martial arts being put to use in such a new way here.  Just about all of us are just starting off but we have a very encouraging instructor and the choreo was a blast to run through even though we were struggling through a good portion of it.

At least there has been some down time with all the madness going on.  I had the opportunity to play with my camera again when a friend came down from New York to visit.  We were able to snap a few pics on our trip to the Santa Monica pier which I have not been to at all in the past two years.  This shot of him practicing Taiji on the beach below was one of my favorites.  The rest of the pics can be seen here.

The pace of everything is getting only crazier as these projects get underway.  I'm finally getting what I wanted which is to break a path and throw myself into the things I love so these coming challenges are very much welcome.  It's the first time I've ever had to use the calendar to keep track of tasks.  Now back to practicing going over copy since there are NINE MORE DAYS 'TIL MY AGENCY INTERVIEW!!!!

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion - Edge of Spring



Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are." - Frank Salvato

Actors by nature are narcissists, but I've been rather fortunate to work with and befriend actors who are genuinely giving people. I consider these people to be my artistic family and I love them very much. A fear that I had with choosing this profession is how isolated this world can be when you're mostly around those who only lookout for themselves. Ironic since success at the very core of acting involves how deeply humans interact with one another.

Unfortunately, I have dated and fallen for some narcissists too.  Everyone loves those who project confidence but once I see that line crossed into arrogance I start to lose interest as a friend or fall out of love with them. Sometimes, the falling out has happened and I begin to mirror them not realizing this until after the relationship has passed.  Humility and empathy is something I value highly (especially coming from an Asian family) but seems to be lost upon this generation.  There is so much self-love or self-hate in those I meet that they have no room for anyone else.

I worry at times about the tightrope I walk between being self-confident and self-absorbed.  I feel that there is so much that I can do yet I know very well there are only particular times and places for it to be revealed.  It's a big conflict I struggle with while I currently learn to promote myself.  As much as acting is an art, to have a career in it means I must surrender myself to the business aspects of it and this environment is as cutthroat as it can get.  I've seen so many people used, hurt and thrown away by those who don't realize they're doing it.  Maybe, I'm more sensitive to it since that's what I've felt happen to me in my relationships the past few years.

I'm reminded of Conan O'Brien's words in his last show again, "...if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen."  It's an easier road to walk but I couldn't live with myself if I advanced myself over the backs of others.  I've known those who've broke away from others because they move onto the next best thing or go after what they feel is prematurely entitled to them.  I would not want my success to be achieved over the sacrifice of my principles.  I'm going to do this the right way.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track Of The Day:

Air - Alone In Kyoto


If Only I Were Simple

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Compromise is but the sacrifice of one right or good in the hope of retaining another--too often ending in the loss of both.” - Tryon Edwards

There are too many things that I want to do...too many things I want to explore. Even now, with things becoming busy again I've only begun to dip my hand into the activities I've planned for myself. Rehearsals are now underway for Detour and Antigone, I've been getting a boost with photography learning techniques from friends and finding subjects to shoot, learning how to use my newly acquired CS4 Master Suite and this weekend I begin Mandarin and Hip-Hop dance classes.

Whenever I get into these modes, I worry that I'm spreading myself too thin. Already, I've missed deadlines for videos I've planned to release. Projects like the fight scene have stalled. I haven't been able to touch my guitar or practice martial arts in the past two weeks, or even practice my tutting and glides at all. And don't get me started on the preparations for my agency meeting or the daily casting submissions I have to make. I'm either doing too many things at once or find myself without the energy to do anything at all. I play up to the extremes and it always seem like such a hard effort to motivate or suppress myself to find that middle ground.

My Tang Soo Do master had taught us that it doesn't matter how smart or talented you are. The people who always succeed are the people who stick with it. He's right. Those who I know are successful are those who just stayed at it regardless of how much aptitude they had for what they did. Just about all of my actor friends are single, mostly by choice because they want to be able to dedicate themselves to their careers.

But, is there really no balance to be found? It's what I strive for in life. Having a significant other to share my life with is to me is just as fulfilling as reaching my dreams. I still refuse to believe it's an either or question. Am I really having to give one up for the other to be successful? My past relationships failed because I couldn't find balance. The more of my life I dedicated to my love I felt I had lost myself because I was not chasing my dream. As soon as I had tried to play catch up, the relationship had begun to fail. But in balancing both, will I never reach the true potential of either?

Well, this stage of my life should be rediscovering myself and who I am. I don't like the events that brought me here but I do have to say this is the most I have felt like myself in years. I feel more capable and many doors have opened themselves up to me. It's then I remember another piece of advice my master gave me. Be the person who you want to attract. When you are fully striving to reach your fullest potential your best of friends and true love will find you.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

No Track of the Day today, but instead I post a vid of one of my martial arts heroes. He may not be a well known name but his pure dedication to Tae Kwon Do and Wushu has placed him among the greats.

Kim Won-Jin Tribute


Taking It All In

Posted by Solace In Hunger

“There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” — Martha Graham

There is so much energy going around.  I see people around me finding happiness in things and for once that happiness is rooted in the present and what potential the future brings.  I've always found myself living in the past, and while those memories are sweet they cannot be relived.  Always going back to the past chains me from fully leaping forward and enjoying what is right before me.  I find this forward thinking empowering and motivating.  The canvas of which to build my life is blank, ready to be painted by the colors of whatever experience I choose.  Such freedom brings us all great hope, no?

This year's work for East West Players Studio Lab Project will be...


I've always wanted to work on a Greek play.  Save for the few times I've been fortunate enough to work on Shakespeare and analysis classes back in school, I am a total idiot when it comes to classical pieces.  A new style of analysis and performance to pick up; a journey to the worlds that exist today as dust; a deeper understanding of our condition; I'm excited to learn about this world and see how me and my fellow cast mates will grow from it.

There's a great group assembled this year.  Four actors (including myself) returning from previous Studio Labs with seven others my friend Jimmy calls "the new blood" will be bringing this piece to life.  Eleven of us brought together by a common passion.  In addition, we have a wonderful dancer from the Diavolo show coming in to help us with movement and additional artists to produce original music and assist with play analysis.  I can't stop mentioning at how excited I am about the potential for this show!

I went on a night shoot near Los Angeles' Water and Power building with a friend.  John, I must thank you for letting me use your 50mm lens.  I had to pick up my own after being introduced to the wonderful possibilities shots from that lens could produce.

Lately, I'm finding myself much more at peace when I'm shooting.  I'm finally tapping back into that visual artist in me I had trouble getting back once I found acting.  Pursuing that has also brought me to rediscover friends who I not known before were artists themselves.  They're work is just as inspiring as their friendship.  Check out some of their work...

[Having trouble linking samples of their work but click on their names to see their websites]

Jeff Lee

John Mark Esplana

Ray Perenia

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

I usually put up a track of the day but for some reason I couldn't get this commercial and the song in it out of my head. Thanks to Robert for sending me this keeping me laughing through the late night


Returning Home

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." - Mitch Albom

Today is the first meeting for this year's Studio Lab Project at East West Players and I am very excited! I'm eager to meet the wonderful new people that I'll be working with and just as happy to find out who I will reunite with those from projects past.

I really do owe East West Players so much for what they have given me. They've played a big part in reopening the window into my artistic soul that has been closed for seven years. I've met some wonderful people that have become my artistic family and my best friends today. They've helped me rediscover my craft and reminded me how much of a mistake it was for me to turn my back on it all of these years. All of this brought forth to me in the past year since joining and it all feels so promising because it still feels like this is only the beginning of such a wonderful adventure.

From attending shows to workshops at the David Henry Hwang theatre, the place feels like a home to me. Even more of a home than the place that houses my bed. I feel at such peace whenever I pass through its doors. We still don't know yet to as to what piece we will be working on but I'm ready to take on whatever is coming my way. I feel that this is going to be a very good run.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Ciara feat. Justin Timberlake - Love Sex Magic (covered by Marié Digby)


Thank You...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

Just a quick thank you to a friend for being there with me.  Love from a caring friend though different can be just as powerful as love from the person of your dreams.

Let Valentine's Day be not only a celebration of love between two romantic partners but rather a celebration of love itself.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


It's Always A Good Time To Celebrate

Posted by Solace In Hunger

It's no secret that I've been dreading this day.  If today hadn't coincided with Chinese New Year and the Winter Olympics, I would've been on the brink of going off the deep end.  The last thing I need to be reminded of is the loss of the last two years on the eve of what is to be my bigger push of chasing my dream.

But I'm a much happier and fun person than how these entries have been reading these past few months.  I don't want to feel sad anymore while life is calling out for me.  These next few months alone have so many opportunities lined up that I can't take advantage of them being chained down by my guilt.  My words here may be be morose but I'm actually someone who is cheerful, energetic, silly and playful.  And I have the world to give to someone as long as they can effectively show me they appreciate it.

Instead of wallowing the loss today I choose to celebrate it.  For I know, that there are still many in the world who never got to experience how wonderful love can be.  I consider myself fortunate that I was able to feel that again after believing I couldn't after losing my first love years ago.  I took a risk with my heart and with it I gained so many rewards that outweighs the pain I still feel from the loss.  And to you, the world, I give back this song shown to me by the one who brought me that much closer to true love.

[Note: Due to problems with premiere, you'll have to listen to the original song instead of my cover while I get it finished.  Your ears will thank me for this better version anyways.  =oÞ]

To those of you fortunate to be with a loved one today, do me a favor.  I want you to make a list.  On it, write every little quirk of theirs that turns you into a puppy dog, all the moments they have made your breath stop and the times you were floored by their beauty.  Break the list into individual pieces and place these items all over around the house.  And then when you see that person or wait for them wake up next to you, show them around to all the notes and let them know how much they have given to your world.  Make them smile that smile that always brings peace to your heart.  Then grab them and feel the warmth of their body and beats of their heart bounce off your chest.  Feel how soft their skin is.  And taste how sweet their kiss is.  REMIND each other what led you two to come together.  Enjoy every moment with them as if it was your last.  Don't make the same mistake I did and wait for the next Valentine's Day to truly show how much she means to you because she might not be there.  Everyday should really be Valentine's Day with the one you love so much.

Thanks to my inspiration and for teaching me how to love more truly than I have ever before.  I hope that you and everyone else is doing well out there...  =o)

Happy Valentine's Day and 新年快樂 !!


I Love The Olympics!!!

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"The Olympics remind the world of the folly in thinking that anyone can stand alone." - Robert Kaufman

YAY!  The Winter Olympics are here!  With the exception of martial arts competitions I am not a sports person at all.  However, whenever the Olympics are upon us every two years I become that alpha male glued to the television cheering that others usually despise or join with.

And it's not necessarily the sports I get excited over.  In fact, of all the sports in the winter it's usually only figure skating that grabs my attention (stop laughing, guys!).  With the Olympics, however, comes with this sense of unity not unlike the same feeling I used to get with the raves I used to attend.  That feeling of people coming together and cheering for someone or something other than themselves.  That feeling of hope culled from the thoughts of millions and focused behind the individuals chasing their dreams.  I loved feeling that togetherness and it's something that I think that we all could use right now.  This CNN story from a writer that I took the above quote from is a great example of the spirit desperately needed back in this world today.

Something about this also seems to reinforce what I'm just noticing for me in that years ending in odd numbers go horribly and those that end in even numbers were wonderful.  The best relationships (romantic, friendly and business) went underway those even years and some of the best moments came in those years too.  Perhaps the goodwill brought forth from the people and these games illicit a positive energy that trickles throughout the year.  It's only February so there are still ten more months of great miracles to happen before year's end.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


Now We're Moving

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys.” - Emma Bull

Things are just moving too fast today so just a somewhat quick update...

A chance meeting with an old friend at work led to a discovery about him I never knew of all these years. Apparently, he is a photographer and also involved in video production recently setting some projects underway. I'm looking forward to working together with already good friends while we examine common interests we never knew we had before.

I was interviewed today by a Los Angeles Times reporter who saw my tweet about my car being recalled. I guess there are people who come across my Twitter after all. The article may use only a blurb, if that, from my dialogue with the reporter but it just further reinforces the random things that have been appearing in my days lately.

I've been upgraded to performing member of the Detour improv group. I really need to give thanks to the team for believing in me and taking a chance. The team loves the energy I've been able to put in my characters and they say that I'm funnier than I think. I believe that I won't ever get over my fear of improv but I realize now that I don't think I ever want to not be scared of it. Like with any other performances, I just have to trust more in my abilities to turn that fear into productive energy. As I continue to train more with Detour, I look forward to finally be able to get up and "play" without hesitation.

I've been trying to surround myself with happier things lately so I'm working on compiling a collection of Japanese game shows and advertisements to put on DVD and play in the car whenever I'm feeling beside myself. It's about time I convert the ol' Mobile Rave Station into something else.

Driving home from work, surrounded by the gray skies I was surprised to find a brilliant rainbow welcoming me as I crossed onto the 134. This was the best pic I managed to take with my camera phone as I was driving.

Cheesy as it sounds it was nice to remember that even on a day without the sun, some days are still meant to shine just as bright.

Okay, break is over. I have to get back to taking inventory for the big sale and get my promo materials ready in prep for the big interview next month. EWP rehearsals start one week from today, Mandarin and Hip-Hop Dance classes start in three more weeks. It feels really good to be busy again.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day: (More happy tracks!)

Koda Kumi - Koi No Mahou


Lost and Found...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” - Galileo Galilei

I've been blessed to find my new friends in this difficult time. One of the reasons why I had to leave the party scene as much as I love the music and my friends was that there wasn't anyone who I connected with anymore. I couldn't find the joy in it and after losing the one I loved it all seemed so empty. Every new person coming in just seemed to be even younger and I just felt even more out of touch.

How fast over time it was that I became the youngest in my group of friends to being the oldest. Always was I there for my friends and helping them sort things out with advice from my own experiences gave me purpose. But I missed the comfort of having friends who were living their lives ahead of me. They were the ones who could truly understand me because they have lived through the problems I was beginning to face. They were the ones who I could go to when things became hard. Struggling to gain an identity when pursuing your dream, struggling to be financially and emotionally available to take care of the love of your life, struggling to adapt to the world when you feel changes within yourself, struggling to keep love of your life within that changing world, struggling to have that deeper fulfillment. No one from that life could truly understand the toll that it was taking on me. Not even the one who I loved so much. Perhaps everything stayed the same and I was the one who changed so much to the world. As my friends Carin and Michelle would tell me, "You're just growing up."

Never had the scene seemed so lonely, the polar opposite of the unity felt when I first came to the scene ten years ago. I have spent the last two years of my life building relationships in this world that there were hardly any friends that existed outside of it. After the break, there was no family for me to go back to. Friends from long ago have lived such different lives that they were now almost strangers to me. Even with the transitions I was experiencing I couldn't return to my old comforts. I never thought I would ever say this but I'm not much of a raver, gamer or anime geek anymore. I'm still young at heart and love these things that will always be a part of me but I just want more out of life now. Photography, dance, acting, martial arts, video production, traveling, finding a deeper meaning to my life are the things that define me now.

With these passions, it is time again to forge groups to share them with. It will be much more work on my part this time around as there isn't a GS.C type of place for each of these things. However, I'm starting to build hope again as I'm looking forward to the people I've yet to meet and the adventures I've yet to have. As my friend told me yesterday, "You might not believe it, but everybody you meet loves you." It's a promising thing to hear isn't it? I thank her in my thoughts every time I remember that.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day: (It just seemed so fitting with the rain today...)

Wanda and the Colossus (EN: Shadow of the Colossus) - Demise of the Ritual


The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"We are always getting ready to live, but never living" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's amazing how a single day can bring so much hope doesn't it? I had a feeling that this day was different as I had run into my friend randomly on the freeway of all places while she was coming home from a shoot. Today was just a day of positive energies flowing throughout my world.

I received a message from an agent at the Colleen Cler agency looking to set up an interview next month!!! The agency specializes in commercials and print modeling and from the testimonials I've read they carry a very good reputation. I know that this is only a step and nothing is guaranteed but like the favorable response from the casting managers at ABC in December, if feels validating. Further doors of opportunity will open if I'm able to sign with them and if not I'll walk away with a valuable learning experience. I've been very fortunate to be blessed with the encouragement and wishes of other working actors who are at where I want to be and this next step is just further proof that my dream can become a reality. Progress is inspiring!!!

I finally have cable at my place! =o) Adult Swim, Spike, ABDC, G4, Bravo, Discovery...all of which for me to indulge in again. It's a weird thing to be relieved about since I really don't watch television but having it does make the place seem more like home to me. It goes back to when I was little and lived in my house with only my sisters. While they were at work and left me alone, I always turned on all of the TVs and lights in the house to make it seem as if there were people in it. The empty hallways and dark rooms were now full of life and laughter. My room just seems that much more warmer now.

I was also contacted by long lost actor friends from the past that I was happy to hear from. I'm looking forward on having these bonds reconnected and sharing on what our lives have become in our time apart. They bring with them a positive, productive energy which I'm happy to bring more of into my life.

Though all of this pain, I am finally able to feel in my heart what my head knows in that there is still a bright future ahead even if I must take this journey on my own. This new world I have created for myself is finally taking shape. Eschewing the negative influences around me the last few weeks has begun to allow my heart to heal. I've again found joys in the silliest things that make me laugh and the days I've spent crying are becoming fewer. I'm not forgetting the pain but I'm finally putting it in control. I'm one step closer to peace and with that comes even more power to make my dreams into reality.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Track of the Day:

Koda Kumi - Driving



Posted by Solace In Hunger

It's difficult to be a Libra. Even if you don't believe in astrology, I'll tell you that what's written about us fits us almost to a T. We can see both sides in an argument, everything must be balanced, give must EQUAL take (This has always brought my temper out in my relationships/friendships), and always tormented in what action to take because all decisions in involve an equal amount of pain and love. We must have our cake and eat it too and can find no true happiness with anything less. This duality touches upon a fear I've buried for quite sometime. However, it is now resurrected upon my recent reflections.

The fear is that there are no guarantees with where the world of acting will take me. Yet, I am so impassioned to it. I imagine no fulfillment in a life where I do not pursue it. I absolutely refuse to be chained to what is a "normal" life with an everyday job or career that brings me no chance of expression or creative fulfillment. I feel as if I've "sabotaged" the other paths in my life to be anything else. I don't want to be anything else.

But on the other hand, having someone by my side to share the adventures and experiences in my life and inspire me is just as important. It's a cycle of happiness and fulfillment for me in which both parts must be needed in full for balance. I would be a shell of a husband to my wife if I don't chase after my own passions and have none of those experiences and enrichments to offer her. However, at the same time I would never be happy with a life of total self-fulfillment. I need to know that actions I take are of worth to something greater than myself, like to a family of my own.

I stressed over how I would have tried to make this world come true with the one I love but I could not communicate it and had to break with her believing something much different. I must now live with the fact that closure may not come anytime soon or not at all.

The ONLY thing I have now after my loss is sole faith that I am taking actions true to myself. I KNOW that I have something in me to contribute to the world through my craft. Let's be VERY honest here, I'm a short, average-looking Asian male. In Hollywood terms, I'm not stopping traffic on any streets here. If I am to make it, it's going to be through talent, skill, ingenuity and luck. Dealing with this loss is only the beginning of the difficulties I face in carving myself a life founded upon my passions.

If there ever was a time for me to give it all it is now, for I have no one to live for but myself now.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


Eyes Forward

Posted by Solace In Hunger

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France

I'm on such a quote kick lately... =oÞ

The days themselves seem to pass ever so slowly but such a contrast I see when I look at the calendar and notice how fast time has passed. Oh my, how much have myself and the people around me changed. Goals, priorities, attitudes renew themselves radically and even faces in some cases no longer are familiar. I guess I should not have expected for all of us to change together in the same direction.

I'd have to say that I started realizing my true self about five years ago and by that I mean it was at the time I started reaching for my passions. I've grown and changed so much in these past few years than I ever have in the time before that. I've developed a strong desire for adventure, for travel and for an even stronger need to have a network of friends and loved ones to share those experiences with. I was such a materialistic person before that. I had to collect every single game and movie I could get my hands on. I had to drive my Mercedes and have nothing but the latest to prove my worth. Each of those things later became nothing but a burden to me. What really made me happy were experiences and at that particular point in my life I had very few. I had found a new drive in wanting to change that and doing so has brought me much better things into my life.

I'm trying to regain myself...to tap into that potential that I know is there in my heart. From the people I've encountered in my life and to those gracious enough to take me into their hearts, I know that I am capable of doing great things. And I know that there is no one else like me. Perhaps this time I'll be able to find those who truly understand and appreciate me.

To those in the past I've shared so much with, including those I'm not on good terms with. I look forward to the day when we all can look back at our trangressions in peace and reform our bonds of friendship as the magnificent people we are becoming.

I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)

Yet ANOTHER Quote:

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi


On A Lighter Note

Posted by Solace In Hunger

No deep reflections today... Just enjoying the sun shining through my room...

Almost three months here and this place doesn't feel like home yet. Perhaps it's because I haven't lived in the same place for more than two years since high school and never learned how to settle properly. Maybe it's because my walls are so sterile. It could use more life, yeah? I wish I had more things to put up. Not just fanboy autographed stuff either which I do have more of but rather things from my own adventures. Right now the most significant adventures I've ever experienced weren't necessarily "my own". It looks like I have another goal now...

Any interior decorator friends have any input here? I'll use these pics as progress then. =o)

This track from long ago fits the mood....

Orange Lounge - Mobo Moga

In other news, I've signed up for a Mandarin and dance class to get myself occupied but more on that later. I hope that everyone is doing well out there... =o)


May My Smile Outshine The Sun....

Posted by Solace In Hunger

Oh, have I forgetten how to smile...

The world is in a much bleaker state as when I was last in this position. The ripple effect that began with the economic crisis has brought forth tragedies and created situations where life's priorities are seriously questioned. It has created fractures and breaks in the relationships around me and had added further stresses to one I had. It has unearthed problems within individuals once sheathed by a lifestyle of squandering and carelessness for their own actions. I said before that loneliness is ever present now than ever. And it's not necessarily that many around us are without friends, but rather that many of us are without people who we feel could truly understand us and lift our spirits. I was blessed last time to find a community of friends that welcomed me with open arms and brought into my life some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. They had brought me adventures, the gift of dance, the promise of love and a sense of family I've never had before.

However, that group today is shattered. It's members having gone their separate ways and with those remaining splintering further over a character assassination war I chose to walk away from. I found my true friends few in number as I found out that some had their own interests well in mind and inadvertently stabbed me in the back. So many of us have focused so inward to question the demons that haunt us that we easily forget that we aren't only ones in pain. I'm reminded even further by the blog I first mentioned a few days ago that there are others in the same situation as I. I can't stand back and watch the world spin in this direction any further...

Going through my older blog entries, I'm reminded that a clairvoyant friend long ago told me that I'm meant to thrive amongst people. As much as I believe that, I feel like I've forgotten how to. I usually have a very cheerful disposition and I don't like being that person who brings everyone down which brings me to this next excerpt from my entries:

"There is a thing that I have always heard and I have now proven it to be true: Finding happiness and confidence in yourself will draw it out in others... The great thing about that is that it is contagious to a point that once the people near you see those things and draw it out in themselves it will further reinforce your own positive qualities and perhaps bring it out further. It's a mutual exchange that perpetually builds upon itself without end.

The point: Just be happy dammit...and those around will you be too!"

I'm reminded again of my mission and it is clear.

I'm on a mission to capture that fire within my heart again. It's still there. Nary but a flicker at times and others a scorching tempest but I know it's still there. I must capture it with my two hands, take it into my chest and reunite it with my soul. I've always had the power to influence others and the time is needed again for all of us to shine our lights back to the world.

As the clouds slowly lift in this perceived darkness I find myself in every day, I'm starting to find those bright gems again in friends of old and new. Though small in number, collectively, you wield the power of a family to me so strong that I feel the heat of that fire once again.

To my friends Carin, Mark, Andrei, Maria, Wilson, Tina, Michelle, Vance...you guys give me strength. May I rise again and have my light shine with your own. Together, may our hope become the needle to penetrate that cynical fabric laying over the hearts of the people. We will weave with the hearts of our friends and family a future as bright as smiles we fight to put on now.

Here's my quote for the day:

"The worst situation is when you want to win but you're afraid of losing. The best situation is when you want to win but you never fear loss." - Liu Guoliang

And my track of the day:

Utada Hikaru - Sanctuary



Posted by Solace In Hunger

“To be a star, yes, you have to have talent, and my God, do you ever have to be lucky, but riding alongside is this: desire. One so consuming that you are willing to piss away everything else in life. Stars have no friends, they have business acquaintances and serfs. They can only fake love on screen."

William Goldman - Oscar-winning screenwriter (All The President’s Men, Misery)

This was a quote of a quote taken from an article published on an Asian-American entertainment blog I follow regarding on what is truly needed for an Asian-American to push through and become a star.

Every one of us has played around with the daydreams of what success and fame could bring. Immense wealth. Exalted status. Validation. However, it is easy to forget what must be sacrificed when achieving such a status. Famous people are some of the loneliest people I know. The newfound uncertainty of whether people are giving you friendship and love over your persona rather than your true being is isolating and disruptive to a true peace one's soul could crave over a lifetime. Higher expectations are placed on you and your work and every bit of your being becomes scrutinized. Even certain individuals will begin to attack someone just for the sole fact that they are popular. Worse yet is that all of this burden increases exponentially with the exposure.

But Phil does bring up some good points in the piece that I've been conflicted about for a long time. My goal as an actor in not to be rich and famous. I've always thought of those to be fortunate byproducts of the real reward which is the experience of contributing to a work that moves you. Gratification of being used a tool to give life to a story which may move or inspire audiences and get them to see things outside of their own box. Fame for me cannot replace the sole adoration from a girlfriend or wife. Money itself does not make your problems go away but bring new ones. But at the same time, I do want to be recognized for my efforts. Shamelessly, I have an ego that needs placated and while I do my best to keep that in check, I also depend on the responses of others to validate the struggles I put myself through.

Phil's call is one of near-crisis. The lack of a proper Asian-American star lends to a vacuum of representation so great that it ever fortifies the notions of non Asian Americans that we can't act and deserve to be treated like everyone else. At the same time, I do feel that my best chances of taking on truly fulfilling work will not come unless I "sell my soul" and reach the upper echelons of that tough Hollywood ladder. 'Tis a fine line I walk. And despite all of this, I can't see myself doing any other type of career. I don't want to do anything else. It's tough being a Libra.

To end this post, I offer three more quotes fortifying the resolve in my pursuit of artistic and financial success.

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." - Elaine Maxwell

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success." - Norman Vincent Peale

"And all I ask is one thing and this is...I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch, please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen." - Conan O'Brien



Posted by Solace In Hunger

Trance music doesn't affect me the same way that it used to anymore.

What drew me to the music earlier on was how seductive, dark and brimming with energy it was. Something about it was so soulful and inspiring, bursting at the seams with such emotion that it was the freight train whose tracks you wanted to jump on and be hit by. Sometime during 2008, that energy started to become lost. As the parties became more popular the music became more mainstream. While that itself isn't necessarily bad, we started to have these cookie cutter track releases built upon pushing tested affective buttons rather than hearing compositions that came from the heart. And with that, the parties themselves brought forth new attendees that are there because it's just "the hot thing to roll to" right now. My decision to leave the scene for now is definitely a good one.

Having only listened to a few mixsets since the beginning of 2009, I concede that I make these statements without a full understanding of today's musical landscape. However, even as releases of this new year show some promise of an uptrend, the music I search for now requires much more of an insightful energy. Clearing the cobwebs surrounding the folders of my music library brought this rediscovery...

Flying Lotus - Litremeter

J Dilla - Won't Do

Flying Lotus - Parisian Goldfish

What would you call this type of hip-hop? Avant-garde? Leftist? Underground? At least that's what I've heard it labeled by others. Whatever it is, this is definitely speaking to me right now. I feel it's energy pulsing within me, waving through the joints and burning through the muscles. I want to dance to it...glide to it...even tut to it (I'm horrible at these but I'm learning). I feel connected...


Baby Steps

Posted by Solace In Hunger

Rebuilding yourself is like learning how to walk all over again. And like auditioning, it doesn't matter how many times you have went through it. It doesn't get any easier.

Experiencing happiness or sorrow in a situation lies in the perception of the person viewing it. Whether by some moral obligation, guilt or just selfishness, a person chooses to let their life affect them they way they do regardless of their consciousness of it. This is a lesson I forgot that I had learned over two years ago. I had let the stresses of my job, the shortcomings, the lack of expected progress with my life affect the relationships of those important to me. I became angry, resentful and distant to those I wanted to be near the most. Clichéd as it sounds, making lemons out of lemonade is a behavior best adhered to at all times and never should be forgotten. Never losing sight of what and who you truly fight for was the lesson I needed to learn.

Rebuilding my life in the last few months also included the restructuring of my finances. Living in the new place, and exercising a more discriminating eye on my wallet, I've lowered my cloud of debt by half so far, began to rebuild my savings and the money once set aside for a ring and a dream that now isn't to be can now be used again to set myself free even further. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get enough from the sales of my collection to be set free from a chain holding me back for nearly a decade now. Now, it's time to really see the road ahead of me for what it is.

Where does the road take me now? I'm not sure exactly but I want to go away somewhere far. Some place that does not seem anything like here. And it must be lively, I'm not ready to be visiting any places that are serene with the calamity going on in my mind. Will I go back to Japan, to Hong Kong, or even Spain? I'm feeling that spirit that made me want to close my eyes and make that mission to the islands two years go. But even as it has been some time, I have to remember I am no longer am dreaming for two now. That moment is in the past now. That future no longer exists. The reality is that I have only myself to answer to now. I can still live the dreams and carry out the adventures in my heart, I just have to do it alone for now and save the sharing of those experiences for a later date.

One of the greatest quotes for me to relate to right now. "I can't talk to you anymore, it's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can't have you and that makes me love you even more."