I'm about to fall asleep.... Taking my father's Feng Shui advice, I've finally rearranged my bedroom and do notice a better flow of energy. Nothing seems so scattered, draining or displaced anymore. I haven't been able to sleep for more than two or three hours or even stay home for longer than five or six hours at a time in the past few weeks. Unless you have completely dullened your senses and lost your ability to feel at all this does work. For once...I'm starting to feel calm...a little more centered in this room. After all this is where I'm supposed to get my rest.... Like now... Zzzzzzzzzz BTW - The lesson for the day. Time does NOT heal all wounds. They just give you space to understand them.

It's time to get out of here. When you are surrounded by people who no longer have the same ideals you can't help but feel yourself dying on the inside. Those who were with me by my side had grown into their path apart from one another. Different problems...different takes on life...the inability to understand. No longer unified by common passions or pains...nothing is familiar anymore. Even my work is filled mostly by those who have conformed into the mainstream...they have given up their freedoms to live a life deemed acceptable by the status quo. I can't find anybody who understands the music out here...anybody who understands what it is to be free...they have to want to be unplugged before I can first show them the way. Even my apartment. I could rebuild this place to make it my home once again, but I would still be lost in this area...so commercial...full of superficial glitz and ego. It would be my cottage in the wasteland so to speak. I have to drive an hour and half almost every other day to be at peace...in an area thriving in life...to be with somebody who truly understands that flow of nature in our lives. It's time to break free...from this stage of my life...this place... I will return to the place that gave me life... I'm finishing my résumé tonite...and maybe look for places in DB or RH...

Things my "therapist" turned "trauma buddy" and I decided to do together... -Help turn my current living space into a home for myself -Move in together by next Spring unless "something" turns up -Learn knitting (YAY, I get to make a knitted cap for myself!) -Finish our Lu Xun and Diao Chan Dynasty Warriors cosplay costumes -Take a random Metrolink journey to have random ice cream adventures! -Take a random journey to another state or country once a pair of last minute plane tickets free up -Relish in each other's taste in food (Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt, crepes, crepes, crepes, shaved ice) -Go freerunning/parkour -Create lightsabers to beat the crap out of each other with -Engage in a lightsaber duel WITH parkour -Create for me a WoW character on her server and scare other people with my voice actings skills! -Check out the villas at the Coronado...Sunrise BB....=0)

How would you handle it, to find someone with another? I knew better...karma will set it right... I don't think I will continue to exist in this world any longer... It's time to center myself... I gave too much... I don't want to be on this ride... A picture is worth a thousand words...I hope that I read the wrong ones...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Okay...now that THAT's out of my system, let me tell you about Tiësto...

I went with my brothers in arms from GS.C and a friend who has never attended an event before but loved the music (a wildcard as I should call them from here on out ).  We were all so anxious and eager to get out of my apartment so we ended up getting in the area about FOUR HOURS before everything started.  After spending some quality conversation / practice time at the UV and an impromptu parkour session at USC we made our way into the Sports Arena...

Approaching the arena almost an hour early, we saw the line already wrap around the arena!  This already defines how this night was to play out.  When there are so many people this early, you can sense the eagerness among everybody to want to feel the good vibe...and when you have so many people wanting that vibe just as many people are going to be giving it back.  I wanted to fall over before I even got inside!  We had a small difficulty in trying to enter in that one of our friends was carrying a SMALL (which was said by the loudspeaker to be okay) backpack with scores of glowsticks.  Sadly, he was only able to get inside after giving away about fifty of them which were originally intended for the groups he was with.  However, upon his return to us....we could hear the music once again...and RAN inside from the doors to the upper tiers to see...




...a sea of raised arms before us all rising and dropping to the beat in unison, as if not only our arms but our bodies were fields of stalks made of wheat and grass uniformally bending itself to the wind of the beat and vibe.  This was life...the primordial soup of energy in which our consciousness will fuse and be reborn as one new being.  I knew once again that I have returned home.

We RAN down the stairs to synergize ourselves to the collective below.  But first, we had to find a vendor to properly equip ourselves only to find that THERE WERE NO GLOWSTICKS TO BE FOUND FOR SALE ANYWHERE!!!  See the few people above with lights of their own?  They only had them because they were equipped by our friend earlier!  And the only ones I brought in were my pair of Ultras to save for my special song.  We were already dancing so hard losing ourselves when we had not noticed for a while that Tiësto wasn't even spinning yet!!!  The vibe was just that powerful amongst all of us.  But when the lights darkened and we saw the animatic of him appearing on the screen "playing" with us...we knew that the door to the next dimension had been opened...that the roller coaster we were on has left the station and is now beginning its climb.  The crawling images of semi-clothed dancers spinning and twirling on the screen paired with spilt images of fallen grains of sand welcomed our ascent. 

Enter assimilation. 

It was a journey and that took forever but we pushed ourselves all the way to the front.  We lost ourselves completely...




witnessing the fireworks...




the geysers...




covering myself in confetti (It looked like I was tarred and feathered )... 






Watching the man before us spin, we swayed and jumped in unison with our mouths ajar.  There was something about Tiësto in that he looked like he was having the most fun out of all of us.  That is what I believe makes his performances above most.  You felt his passion and energy not only in the music itself but in actually watching how he physically approaches his art.  You could see in aura surrounding him that made the Sports Arena seem so small.  Even taking in a small part of it seemed so overwhelming...as a collective we were still all floored...such a nurtured strength enveloping all of us...embraced by us...taken in and ready to be reciprocated...

I had to retreat to the back where there was space and dance...I felt so free...liberated from my worries, my insecurites and my thoughts...  The only thing that mattered was the music, my family, the vibe...  The moment is now...living it...breathing it...being it.  I met a few great dancers in this time to share the energy with...I've always had this fascination with liquiding and popping and was happy to be able to exchange that passion with others.  All of this exchange without ego, without intent...just letting things flow through us...nurturing the chi as it gets transferred from person to person spinning it to something bigger with each transfer.  It was great to see in our group one person popping and spread that energy to another of us that in the end each one of us became a limb a some greater being.  I was a little worried though that "outsiders" who did not have a clue would think we were battling which was not the case.  I think that's why I like it so much.  With popping you actually get to see that energy get transfered to each body part as everything else is isolated.  You can see that person's mental focus...like a manifestation of thought...the slowing down of energy into a materialization of something tangible. 

Near 3:30am came a moment...it was the rushing beat of something familiar...the beat getting heavier and heavier than the other songs...:::thump, thump, thump, thump:::  HOLY SHIT...he's playing Bulldozer!!!!  This has been THE song to get me through the hardest of times lately.  This is my song of determination...a song of finding the passion within you and running with it...I knew....this is the song that will define my night.  I pulled out the Ultras and waited to be carried away.  This is my chance to give the energy and love I have been feeling back to the ones around me.  I've listened to the music all night losing myself into it...retreating into worlds of my own...finding myself.  Now, is the time to share my revelations...to give to this world the energy I have in my heart...

:::thump, thump, thump, crack::: 

I could hear everybody around me cheering...giving their energy for me to give back...  The music had always taken me on journeys emotionally...then recently it had begun to taken me away again spiritually...and now finally I was able to be swept away again visually...For the first time in years...I was able to see things again in my head...to able to dream once more.  It was like flying...gaining altitude and skimming above the clouds...I once again saw the wormholes in my head that had faded away in recent times...my mind washed again in color...such illuminousity...the ether becoming focused, pulling itself to a point and guiding my arms...every trace felt like it was chasing the spirits surrounding me...pushing me...lifting me...every pop and glide I did felt like I was possessed.  Everything just kept swelling and swelling up.  But then...

...I opened my eyes...

Right in front of me stood this kid...surrounded by lights of his own he was unfortunately a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Wearing a scornful (read: Sizing me up, wanting to battle) look on his face I lost my flow...he put the ego back into myself taking me out of the collective...as if that one look took me out of the dream and tried to divert it to a nightmare...I dropped my sticks...everything this stopped.  WTF just happened??  Well, this was a person who does not need to be here...fuck it...I'm not giving it more thought.  My friend just picked up my sticks and I just started dancing and popping like crazy.  Everybody around me was waking up...feeling the music..feeling what it was doing to each one of us...taking it into themselves so that they could share it.  I felt at peace...the bonds between all of us strangers have tightened.

I do not think that these words could ever describe such an experience that Tiësto was.  This was just one of those events where you just have to tell people, "Well...ummm...you had to be there."  A large part of it just had to do with the energy that can never be transfered to any infomative medium.  This is why you never know what a rave is like unless you go. 

So, with the bliss of everything that has happened...Jaimison and I are considering that for his rite of passage before going to the Marines...we are considering paying Tiësto another visit at the September in Vegas!!!  Anybody want to go?

Tiësto was amazing.... There's so much to say but I'm too tired to type right now so I'll save it for next time... Now for some 5-HTP...and slee..zzzzzzzz

I'm going mad...things are affecting me more and more with everything in life. The more I try to control my thoughts and shape my focus the more I ended up losing control of it. I've been having some great realizations and some horrible ones...and the foolishness to act on all of these. This past month has seen me been the most constructive yet the most destructive I have ever been. I have gained yet risked so much. I guess this is also why it is called finding yourself right? I walk the fine line between light and dark without sensing a true conviction to make a stand...I hate being a Libra sometimes... Everything that seems so right seem so very much wrong the next. Everything is justified then loses its reason and context. I always knew but am now starting to actually feel that more than ever the world around me is surrounded by half truths. After all, what is real right? What I think is real is only my perception of the world after all... Yesterday, was the first time experiencing calm in weeks. To share the energy with a friend of the past and helping her through hard times in need. It has been the first true use of being able to use my strength to help another. This is the first time I have felt like myself in years. To be a person so energized...to be the person who had the loudest fits of laughter...to be the person who could not stop having the ideas flow...to be a person who could bring others together....She has told me that me being happy has helped her become happy. It is the first positive result I can actually see of my change and it is invigorating. And years of demons born from the silence between us over time have finally been eliminated. I have to realize she did not bring me this happiness...this peace...but she did show me that it was within myself the entire time. Now to just realize it was there and perpetuate that... Tonite is a time for release... to be in the present... to enjoy the company of friends new and old ...to be a part of something bigger...I want to give the feeling to everybody that I did to her yesterday. With recent events, I have started to get in touch with myself as to why I am really there. I feel like I want to show the world the wonders of how great the environment can be. This is time for me to embrace the light in myself and share it with the world. ...and when I come back... to bring myself back to zero and restart.

My apologies to those who have chanced across my last post. I did screw up by not making it private as in it were private moments for myself that were not intended to be shared. After hearing that it has been read and the damage had been done I did lock it to prevent further outside viewing. But I still stand by what I said in it if you have read it. I definitely know that I am not without fault. I too am far from perfect and my posts preceding this should show very well the numerous flaws I have (and I do have so much more). But before making any judgment about me take a step away from the box of bias and really think of what brought me to say such things and that there is the second half of the story. As the "outsider" of most social groups I do expect to be easily ostracized without any consideration as to the base forming my thought and opinion. I understand that I will most likely be easily dismissed as possibly a crazy ex-boyfriend and probably off the handle but realize that other than this journal I am without a venue to voice my frustrations. I am without a support group, closely knit circle of friends, a nearby friend with an ear, a best friend. I have just only an empty slate of a page to enter my thoughts. Am I to bottle this up further? Am I to be mute. I honestly had wished to only be heard by my own self but as unintended bystanders have heard my cries know that there is a reason why that pain exists. Once again, my apologies for possibly exposing you readers (and I only thought there was one or two which were to be my own close friends) to something you should not have seen, but remember my opinion is a culmination of living first hand with this person for the last two years. We have shared our own demons to each other that most do not even know exist. I do not intend to come off as authoritarian with my judgments...but my experiences with repeatedly dealing with the same situations on the past have given some credibility to it. Also, why did nobody choose to bring this up to me asking why such an entry is posted...but rather instead have their friends show their other friends and so on...and so on? I could have locked this up to prevent further unnecessary exposure. The only people needed to be involved in this are ONLY myself and the person mentioned in the post. This is something no one else on the outside should ever be involved let alone know about. There shouldn't be any sides being taken or bandwagoning of any sort. There's no great battle looming overhead for the blood-hungry masses to participate in. Just a dialogue between two adults. (Well really monologue since this was intended only for myself.)

The world is in need of great repair. I've always questioned whether or not how many people in the world are truly alive. Just how many of us have achieved self-actualization? I see many people of the world enslaved by their insecurities and values fed to them by pop culture. They keep drifting on, stagnant in their routines, conforming into what they think they should be instead of learning and pursuing who they want to be. I used to think that many "successful" people here in the world had things figured out. But I'm starting to realize that either these are people who have learned to play the system and get away with it, or those who have truly sold their souls and conformed. Simply put...they've just sold out. I see more that most people in the world have settled in their positions in life. I thought that I was one of those individuals who played the system and still had myself intact...I have a job (though I hate it) that pays well, I had a sort of security that I see now only put the blinders on. Because of it I lost someone so precious and so wonderful. I think that she was begining to see that I was dying inside. How have I lived my life and what do I show for it? The possessions I have been acquiring are empty. I am a good person, I have a great potential, and I am capable. But what exactly have I done to utilize these traits. What have I done so far to really impact the world? I wanted to get into acting not only because its a chance to relay my life's experiences but I feel that it will put me in a better position to give back. I want to become a philanthropist through my art. Many have lost a love for the things in this world, but it is still there. It didn't go anywhere. The world is still what it is...and knowing how I've influenced people in the past I KNOW that I can give it to them. I'm sitting here listening to Tiësto set and it is truly making me happy right now. The joy no matter how big or small is right there in front of us we just have to open our eyes to it. We can actually make the world what we want it to be. It just might take showing the light to one person at a time. Once again, I look back to the horrible things that have happened to everybody in the past month and I'm now beginning to see people pick themselves up. Maybe this is the world's own way of trying to give us happiness. It too could see that we are riding ourselves into oblivion in our current state and it realized that it had to come in and try to fix it. Dammit, I'm going to help...I'm going to do what I can to spread my energy and my light to those around me for the greater good.

There was a book Maryanne had given me on Saturday called, "How to be happy, dammit! A cynic's guide to spiritual happiness". And though, it's a small, simple yet adorably cute self-help book. It did give some insights about perspective that I needed to change. More importantly, it's touched on something that I was always fascinated with...spirituality. While I do consider myself to be spiritual I do have to admit that I'm clueless as to the numerous practices that exist to keep myself centered. I have been trying to do that on my own naturally, with my observations of the world and effects of the people in my life. However, without some common practices to calibrate myself...I have been all over the place and unfortunately been twisted to the negative. To help with this, I'm going to pick up some books on Buddhism, Quantum Physics and Philosophy tomorrow. There is a simple yet basic concept that I've forgotten over the years and it is that life is constant suffering. Pain is unavoidable and it will always be there in some shape or form. However, without it we can never grow. When we are happy, we do whatever we can to keep everything the same in hopes of maintaining it. But in doing so, the world still moves on leaving us behind. The thing I need to realize is that the method of finding happiness is ever changing. In other words, you must make your own happiness every day for you will never face the same problems challenging it all the time. This is why one cannot stay dormant let their qualities become stale. And with the greater the pain, the greater the momentum I will have to bounce back and reemerge as something greater. I started to think about what I considered the "tragedies" occurring around me the past few weeks with the people around in my life. And I'm starting to see that in addition to myself....we are all beginning to pick ourselves up again. Seeing this, I feel so invigorated...the darkness in my heart is beginning to be cast away. I'm feeling stronger again. Granted, I'm still going to have my relapses and I still and always will miss her terribly to want her in my life somehow in whatever form, I'm actually now beginning to look forward to the path ahead. The journey ahead is so promising and I'm truly happy with that.

Everything has become so black lately. Appetite has gone, laughter has dissappeared...I'm starting to feel weak. There are moments of joy...moments of strength...moments of optimism... Then, I see the girl who no longer exists in this world... and I become thin... I become pale... then I become red, angry, restless, malcontent, bitter, scathing. The demon shows thy face... My blogs haven't become as frequent lately with this grip the demon has. It's pulling me in, taking away my voice. Unfortunately, as a Libra my predisposition towards balance makes me the ultimate wild card. I'm always on the fence, able to see both sides truthfully (I can justify injustice...weird, huh?) and am able to commit either way. The happiness I experienced with her can twist everything to make me something so horrible. I need to realize, this is not me...this is not what I want. I am a good person and I can be a great person. I do have good qualities and people liked me for many reasons. I'm beginning to realize again how much of a pull I have on everybody I encounter in my life. I use to drift by, slipping in behind the scenes letting things just pass on by. In a sense, I had a neutral energy, neither attracting nor repelling. I could slip on through like a ghost (and I'd be a great ninja!). However, over time the energy became very negative. Like a vacuum, it would take the life of those near me, taxing them and leaving them withered. I think she started to feel this. I know that I can be that light to bring us all hope and not the fire that will consume us all. I know I am a very influential person when I direct my energies with the right way and not even in the manipulative sense but I know that I can empower people. I've done it before so many times and watched many move on to bigger and better things because of it. I've always said that people are ALWAYS changing and this is regardless of age. It just happens mostly to people growing up and even going through college as they always feel like there is another step to take when those phases in life are done. However, once people emerge from those institutions they forget that they can still change, only that they must be self-sufficient on it now. Most people lose the message once they enter their careers, believing that they found their niche and they begin to settle and become dormant. Life comes to a halt and then decades later those individuals begin to experience the quarter/mid life crises. That is what happened to me...I forgot to change with the times, to continue on my own path of emotional and intellectual growth. I lost my pace with her and she had no choice but to leave me behind. It looks like I have some catching up to do now....

Ugh....it's 7:30 in the morning I got back from a night from clubbing with a good friend from USC....

1) This is the first time going down to USC since things happened...

2) I love my friends who went but I hate clubbing, I wanted so much to be at a rave

3) I hate alcohol... 151 WILL KILL YOU...

4) And the only thing going in my head after that is... None of these girls are as pretty as Andrea, none of these girls can dance like Andrea, none of these girls are as fun as Andrea, none of these girls are as interesting as Andrea

And I was doing so well. I came to some realizations about things to come that I cannot write here for her safety and mine but it did help see her in a more palpable light. I wish I had the power to forget and get over things like most people do. I've also been cursed/blessed with a good memory as well. I can't flip the truth like how most people can either to deal with things. I'm feeling the depression really kicking in now...I need to fight this dammit. Where is my best friend??? She is the only one who gets it....she is the only one who understands. I think I'm going mad...I'm not going to let this consume me. I never should've let my insecurities affect me, I never should've answered her question on marriage. I loved her for the right reasons, but I failed to show it to her. Ack...she's moved on so easily...and I can do it too. Please gimme some candy and take me away...

The love was pure and true between the horned scales and the rabbit archer... blinded to none until the arrival of the gatekeeper. He held the keys to the rabbit hole thus seducing the bunny. With a similar past yet questionable intentions he is still able to take those away to another dimension. The archer kept begging the scales to never leave, to always stay by her side. Then the scales began to commit himself to find balance for the bunny. Yet the archer separated from the scales and shot her arrow into the lock of the gatekeeper. With open arms he sent her down to the rabbit hole with the promise of opening her mind's eye with a never ending supply of supply of drugs and affection from those have become lost themselves.. However, the scales have seen the effects of the gatekeeper before. Though he has the best of intentions, the scales have seen many to lose their lives or sanity in their quest to see how deep the rabbit hole is. And without the keeper realizing this himself, the archer plunges herself down...willing to sacrifice all even her love to seek the 'truth'. The scales can do nothing but worry if the archer will make it through intact. Based on a true story...

I've always felt like I'm psychic in some sort of way. I have great intuition, a knack for seeking and becoming very close with uniquely gifted individuals with good hearts and an extremely good sense of my mental surroundings. Maybe, psychic is not the best term to use but whatever it is it's been easily misclassified as overly sensitive. This gift has been a curse in the sense that I "feel" danger looming overhead, I can predict potential problems arising and with people I can sense change in them before they realize it themselves. Experiencing these thoughts and feelings earlier than most easily lends me the label of being paranoid or "worrying about nothing" until I am proven right shortly after.

With the beginning of this summer, I began to sense something unsettling. It was not that clear but it was pervading itself into the fabric of my thoughts so tightly woven with my arising dilemmas with my work and herself. Come July and everything just hits HARD. I was not the only one to suffer a loss I found. There were at least five or six well-established couples that had broken up after Electric Daisy Carnival.  Outside of that world, I have had several friends that had encountered life-altering news about their health and on top of that even more friends that experienced tragedies affecting their financial security.

What brings this up is yet another loss that my good friend had experienced yesterday. In a sense, my group of friends were happy in knowing that at least she had things working out for her. And as with the losses we all were experiencing ourselves we were taken back by the shock of the outcome of this as well. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THE MONTH OF JULY!!!! Excuse the negativity surrounding this statement but there is something very wrong with everything happening right now. It seems as if the world and the people in it are in disaccord as to what is right and the universe is doing some sort of a massive sweep leaving separation and unrest in its wake.

I asked my parents today about anything they might have seen in my fortune for this year. This is actually supposed to be a good year for me surprisingly. This could tie in with the realizations about my life I've been having lately since. I've learned that I'm still in that process of self-actualization and that I did not figure out about as much as myself as I did. I wouldn't necessarily say that going through some sort of quarter/mid life crisis as I do not feel like I am in despair. I've already gone through the phase of trying to assess the world from a realistic view and obtaining my passions from that. However, there was something missing in my drive before that these events forced me to realize. There was a sense of fear before that losing Andrea has forced me to kill. Perhaps it is this fortune that they speak of that was worth my loss and pain....

You know you're ready for Friday, or better yet for Tiësto when you start dancing madly in your chair at work. Especially when you start popping... O_o OMG I REALLY WANT TO LEARN HOW TO POP!!! I'm listening to this Paul van Dyk track something about it just seems to fit so well... Even with the way that my body moves...it just flows... I WANT TO LEARN NOW....

Yesterday, I just finished filming the first half of the short with Steve. And wow, too many parts of the script hit too close to home. Or rather, it's not the script but the essences of the character that had me dealing closely with my current issues at hand. It was therapeutic though, but having to relive the misery of what happened weeks ago was bringing forth too much tension in the shoot. I had to keep reading a letter I received from her a few days ago to help center myself. Amidst the sadness and even angst that I'm feeling myself I just need to read the letter to remind myself why this is happening to know where she really stands. It's been a few months since I've acted and even then it was quite some time before that! I'll admit I'm pretty rusty but I'll be sure to post the link to the video once it's up.

I had a pretty good feeling coming back from the weekly meetup on Saturday. Andrei gave me some helpful pointers and said that as someone who does not really freehand that I am not too bad. This is probably the most fun that I have had with glowsticking in a while...even before meeting Andrea when I REALLY didn't know what the hell I was doing! I had forgotten about how just right everything feels playing with the light in my hand. Merging myself with the music and the sounds everything was just so intuitive. I have decided that as a goal to push me to better myself for my passion of the glow, I will participate in the ultra-circle this year at love fest!

Coming back from the meetup, I decided to take PCH...from Santa Ana ALL THE WAY to Topanga Canyon then home. I felt so good to meditate once again to everything that has happened. I'm feeling more calm about everything. The sadness is still there but it is not overwhelming me as much as before. One thing is for sure though...I NEED TO GET MY SYSTEM INSTALLED!!!


I'm still sore from Parkour...

Though I agree with horoscopes strongly I still don't believe down to the letter. However, when it comes to relationships and analyzing people they've been highly accurate to me. Even with everything that has happened it was still dead on... like this...

Libra (The Scales) (cardinal, air, social): Keyword: "I balance". The Libra person is co-operative, diplomatic, sees both sides, open-minded, just, urbane, fair, partnership oriented, refined, balanced, graceful, charming, debative, equalitarian and sociable. They can sometimes also be easily deterred, indecisive and lazy

Sagittarius (The Archer) (mutable, fire, universal): Keyword: "I perceive". The Sagittarius person is freedom-loving, straightforward, benevolent, philosophic, idealistic, intellectual, broad-minded, truth-seeking and telling, just, fun-loving, athletic, adventurous, expansive, and optimistic. They can also sometimes be blundering, careless, exaggerative, overindulgent, tactless and scattered.

Libra With Sagittarius:

Enjoy yourself, but don't get too serious. When it gets down to the wire, you both agree to just remain pals. They will do well together, if Sagittarius can manage to be around enough to fulfill Libra's need for togetherness. Libra is stimulated by Sagittarius's eagerness for adventure, and Sagittarius is drawn to Libra's affectionate charm. Both are highly romantic, though this quality is more dominant in Libra. Libra will want to settle down before flighty Sagittarius does, but they can work that out. Sagittarius provides substance and intensity to Libra. The attraction could lead to marriage. Libra could find Sagittarius aggressiveness a bit extreme at times. This relationship gets better with time.

Parkour - wow... I was invited to my first training session yesterday by one of the GS.C members and I cannot describe how great it was. Though we were going over only the basics, I'm beginning to appreciate the lifestyle upheld by these practicing traceurs. First of all, like the glowsticking community, they believe in a non-competitive, nurturing environment in which one would be free to join the others, developing their skills and exploring. Second of all, the mentality is mainly based on efficiency and the deconstruction of obstacles. Experienced traceurs have claimed that adopting the philosophy and utilizing this method of problem solving has helped them handle situations face in the real world. This might be the most therapeutic thing for me yet. To embark in a friendly environment in an activity that forces you to face fear, analyze your obstacles and forces you to commit. That and it is one hell of a workout!!! I'll be hitting him up for more classes and freeruns in the future.

Thank god for Trance Around the World...replays of their latest show on the Ajunabeats website are getting through to my desk here at work! The trance addiction is satiated!!!!

A good friend of mine approached me for a project he's working on that he wanted me to act in. To even further amaze myself with the coincidences happening as of late the story mirrors a man going through the same things I currently am now. He had written this not knowing of what was going on between work, Andrea and I. I think that this, to face the pain and express myself through my craft will be theraputic for me. We're going over the shooting script tonite with filming to be done this Sunday. This will be a good restart for me...

I had a sad realization today though. I am realizing how "high school" everything has been playing out with the drama lately. Don't get me wrong, the problems rooted on either end are very much real...and very much serious. However, in some cases the manner of which they're being handled are very immature. To be so territorial about everything and to block out certain truths, to just lash out at people with the best of intentions....to see so much anger...for once I'm feeling that I'm the only one truly seeing the big picture and I know it's because of my age and my experiences. Children are very egocentric, unable to deal with the emotions of the world and of the people around them until seeing more of what's around them with age. While getting older, it becomes easier to fully realize the people around you and know how to support the ones you love. I kept hearing the excuse, "I guess I was being selfish", "I dunno I was selfish". I had put so much into this and while somewhat knowing it I do not feel until she will not realize just it until much farther into the future possibly with someone else. True consideration and empathy comes with growth and that has yet to happen for her. Under the guise of someone so intelligent, sophisticated and so beautiful is still very much someone so young and green. Think of Matt Damon's character in Good Will Hunting. There is so much angst I've never seen that this is no longer they person I fell for. Perhaps she let me in too close to herself than she was ready for that she needs to push me away hating me as much as she loved me. For once, I really am seeing the age difference between us. Or maybe I'm just angry that she never did get to see who I am and what I am capable of.

Or perhaps the hate comes from the fact she sees so much of me in her. After all, we did pride ourselves in how similar we are. From interests to strengths and to weaknesses. We both have dependency, self-image issues. We both come from similar backgrounds. We both have a passion that we lost touch with that we are trying to reignite and carry though. We both have issues with circles of trust and letting people past certain points. We seemed aimless and unfortunately with all the love and potential we had we saw only the lack of progress and sheltering of the truth within each other. I really am trying to come to this with EVERYBODY'S best interest. Yet, there's so much needless destruction being done that there will be bridges burned and regrets to be had when the smoke clears. I can only hope that same realizations can be made by others and that we will make it through in one piece...and happy.

I wonder why I've been thinking about her so much and to be honest its not so much about the feelings I have anymore. As far as letting go, things are done for the most part there. I truly am worried about her. And I'm like this with EVERYBODY I meet, be it friend, lover even acquaintance. Granted it's not my place anymore but it's only natural when you give so much of your life to the person to end up feeling like this. Not only that...as part of my own healing process I like to deconstruct things and analyze them, wonder why things happened. And this has become a big rubik's cube for me solve for my own growth. Through the actions of others can I understand my own reactions and internalize what I should or should not do in the future. Okay enough now....I'm done.

Something I read on Oprah.com...

"We live in social systems -- families and neighborhoods, offices and nations -- that call for continuous, complex interconnection. Any person who undergoes a dramatic shift creates a ripple effect, requiring change from others around her.

The fact that you're reading this suggests that you're inclined toward personal growth. The problem, as you may have noticed, is that not everyone you know, love, or work with is overjoyed to tread the path of change along with you.

Because we are a species that fears the unknown, most people reject the continuous transformation that is human reality and try to lock others into predictable behavior. In short, anyone who thinks new thoughts or does new deeds is likely to garner disapproval and criticism from someone.

Women who are undergoing changes are likely to experience "change back" messages from their nearest and dearest. But change-back attackers aren't really thinking about the person they're pressuring. They're fighting for their lives --or at least life as they know it. These people are motivated not only by their own fear of change but by the pressure of other "puzzle pieces" that surround them. The force of a change-back attack has the weight of all those relationships. Resist successfully, and you may end up affecting people you'll never meet."

I guess that really is the whole deal with change isn't? To expand your network, open yourself to new people and experiences to enrich yourself with. I've talked before about needing to grow and living a full life to be able to contribute that back to my acting...to my craft. And to even to simply seek fulfillment. She realizes that too. I really wish I could have kept things with her as they were but we both realize that doing so we would be suspending ourselves in a dream. Not to say that what happened was not real but that there are bigger things to partake, a greater happiness to find, a greater truth to seek. She saved both of us by doing this...and to be true to myself in loving her...I should let her go. Only until now do I realize that she really did love me so much. I look forward to the day when we can reenter our lives as friends. Thank you so much Andrea for everything. I will always love you for who you are and who you will be. You're free...

My dad a few months ago sensed a displacement of energy in the bedroom of my apartment. Labeling it as bad feng shui he recommended that I change it for it could lead to a sudden loss or tragedy. I still haven't despite being proven right...

I once loved a goddess that can make it rain in July and can make horrible things happen to those who cross her. Thank goodness I'm her friend once again...

I can sense earthquakes five minutes before they happen, sense emotional changes in people before they even show it through actions, words or body language and I can sense energies around me in things people don't believe exist...

I do believe I'm psychic...

OMG...I just had an epiphany as to why everything Andrea is REALLY happening! The answers just suddenly hit me in a wave while I was meditating one of my drives. My eyes are so open now...I feel so relieved. What I originally thought were the problems were things that existed only on the surface. There is something going on here that is so much deeper and bigger than what our romantic relationship was. And that in itself was already deep enough as it is! I feel so centered now with everything that has been going on. I feel like I'm able to see the truth...I'm still figuring out in detail exactly what it is but I know that I am now on the right path to reaching it. I feel so good realizing this!!! I need to tell her because I truly think this will help her as well. We both are really in a more similar spot than I realize. I wish I could put into words what I'm actually realizing and feeling right now. It sounds weird but I feel like that I can actually place my "romantic" feelings for her aside and really try to focus on what we both need to deal with. I truly want to be there for her now with no intentions whatsoever expect to help her become truly happy. I know that she might feel awkward coming to me with anything still but I really want to to know that I'm coming from a TOTALLY different place now with this. I hope this goes well :::crosses fingers:::

I can't get this out my head and the song keeps bringing the tears out....

Kirsty Hawkshaw & Tenisha - Outsiders

"Take a look at yourself as an outsider
Do you like what you see?
You can't see what you're thinking
You can't feel what you're feeling
You could be anyone

I'll see they do fall
In silence or rapture

Take a look at out yourself from the inside
And stay with me for a while
Would you say what you say
All these games that you play
No-one get hurts in you

Reach in and see
It's the only place to...

In silence or rapture"

I spent my day hanging out with Maria who I had not seen in what seemed liked forever. (And it practically has been) After having a nice discussion about love over some céfiore (One opened here in Encino and a Pinkberry just opened up at the Topanga Mall across the street!) we brought up the effects of love on two different types of people. Those who live from the head and those who live from the heart. Whatever you consider love to be, in itself you would not be able to truly express it to any of the fives senses. Yet at the same time people such as myself who live more from the heart can say we feel love enough to believe in its existence. However, in explaining love to someone who has never experienced it before you would not be able to put it in anything tangible. You can imbue an object or action with love but it must be applied to an earthly contextual medium. Then while meditating on a drive I started to apply this to a great theory Andrea came up with one day.

She once brought up the relation of time and dimension and the relevance of transcending dimensions over evolution. On a graph you would have time represented by X and the level of dimensions represented by Y. For example, with the current stage of time you have humans oscillating between the third dimension of reality and the fourth dimension of dream. Now, bookend the range of dimension in the human category with the aforementioned archetypes...those who live with their head (the realists) and those who live from the heart (the dreamers).

With the realists, love doesn't seem to last very long and do not believe in it for the most part other than it being merely a chemical reaction. It has been proven that, when in love high levels of dopamine and norpenephrine manifests itself in the brain chemistry giving it some sort of an actual presence in reality. However, it is maintained by most that love is always growing and evolving. Given that, you could say that love would be represented by a constantly rising line on the graph meaning that love eventually transcends into the fourth dimension of dream. When this happens, the realist who spends the majority of time in third dimension finds themselves unable to feel things anymore and losing love. They are able to experience its existence but only for a short while. For the most part, they tend to be seen as pessimists.

The dreamers tend to have this greater view of love. They see it as intensely overwhelming and at times all encompassing. Spending most of their time living in the third dimension of reality they are able to experiences the beginning manifestations of love. However, you will find that with dreamers over time with somebody eventually come across an aspect of love they cannot explain. They just feel it. I believe at that point they have begun the experience of love evolving into the fourth dimension. From them you hear, "Love does transcend all" Seeing the power of love in its matured state they tend to be seens as optimists.

I even think about raves briefly. Most of us there whether or not through substance enter into an altered state of some sort. All of us there, while awake are briefly able to enter that fourth dimension briefly. But while there, no matter what discipline, realist or dreamer we are from, we all experience the overwhelming feeling of love. We cannot explain it, we just unite our consciousness into one in this dream like state and once that happens we begin to truly experience what we we call love. Some of us internalizing it and brining it back to reality...at least in memory.

I ask for your help in making THIS man a future headliner...

Sander van Doorn did not stop smiling AT ALL throughout his entire three hour set. Like Swedish Egil and Judge Jules before him, he had this playful energy about him in that you truly FELT his love for the music. He played a very intense, hard set (It was sooooo much fun to pop to his breaks!!!) which sadly did not have space for his song SOS.




Rolling sober in the centre there...

The night wasn't without its incidents though. This sounds so conceited but for some reason I kept getting pestered by several girls who wanted to dance with me throughout the nite (WTF...it's only me that we're talking about here!). Okay...

1) I came alone, to be alone. I just wanted to be alone with the music, my thoughts and simply enjoy the general vibe of the environment.
2) Where were these girls back in the days I used to go clubbing and wanted to find somebody?

What pissed me off more was that I'm sure most of these girls were drunk, so I know that they are not coming to me with the best of intentions. I had to eventually be an asshole to get them to stay away which made me mad because I DON'T LIKE having to be a jerk! And it made me feel worse that I probably killed THEIR vibe (even if only for a split second) being like that to them! I started to feel dirty for some reason...probably because it triggered those thoughts going back to Andrea.

Even as great as Sander's set was...every song were ones that we both really liked. Just about with EVERY song I had that "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" reaction and I wanted to turn to my side and enjoy seeing the same thing with her as it was like a reflex. Then the thoughts started to come up about the rest of the events we're both going to be at!! I keep thinking about how I might never have that sense of a collective anymore at most events because it'll be "my" side and "her" side while she maintains distance. I don't simply forget people like many others can do so easily. Everybody no matter how far into the past still exists in my mind today very much alive. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggh! This could be something really bad later on down the line. This is killing me, even with the feelings there I don't want to be in the romantic relationship anymore than she does while we fix ourselves...I just want her back in my life so much already as a best friend. Okay, I'm NOT going to think about it...actually Maryanne had me think of two things that made me really happy...

1) That a Pinkberry JUST opened up at the mall across the street.

2) That we're going to have handmade Japanese Seiryu noodles!

Mmmmmmm.... I haven't had an appetite in weeks!!  I guess becoming happy about food again is progress right?

Dammit...I really miss my best friend...I hope that she's doing well...

OMG...Paul van Dyk was amazing!!! (Did you really expect any less now...) I got to Vanguard right at 9:00pm when the doors opened and I was greeted to the deep thumpin' sounds of House courtesy of Joaquin Bamaca

House isn't necessarily my EDM of choice (it takes me a while to get into) but this guy packed it and rocked it! However, around 1:00am I started to get worried, because I knew that Joaquin was opening but no mention of Paul van Dyk anywhere. I asked, "Could he be playing in another room I didn't discover? Am I missing his set already???" That's when the music reduced itself to a single, lone beat and the lights went off...



...and before me in TOUCHING distance emerged a silhouette against the backdrop of lasers of a thin man with a narrow face and sculpted nose... Slowly the letters "P A U L V A N D Y K I N B E T W E E N" appeared on the projection screens on either side of the stage. The beat sped up to his trademark tempo that the crowd immediately recognized. Layers of percussion and synth began to fill the soundscape building in volume competing with the growing screams of the crowd until you felt the very earth shake...building ...and building... until reaching a plateau prompting the lights to shine down on the center booth revealing...



Paul van Dyk!!! Paul van Dyk!!! Paul van Dyk!!! Work the crowd, Paul!!! What a great way to start off a set too. He began with a song I really like that I first heard last week at Armin Live in LA and in A State of Trance 308...it's Pascal Feliz - From Behind the Speaker (Part 1). Listen to ASOT308 at the 66:00 mark sped up JUST A TAD. Man, did that set the tone for the rest of the night. I have some bad videos and pics that I going to post to either Facebook or YouTube later on today or tomorrow....







See the idiot in blue standing in the center of some of these pics...that's me. You see how I'm smiling in this last pic...I don't need to write anymore. You already know how this night went....

Engaging with Sander van Doorn tonite...

I'm getting so excited. I'm sitting here with an hour and a half left before I go to Vanguard in Hollywood to check out Paul van Dyk. This will be my fourth time seeing him with the first being Together as One 2005/2006, second at Monster Massive 2006 and third again at Together as One 2006/2007. I know that I'm going to be in the club environment but nothing gives me more satisfaction than knowing that I'll be surrounded once again by the music. Once again...I'll just be in an environment where I can connect directly with the DJ and just let the sounds consume me and move me. To let my mind's eye open to the canvas of my imagination and let the beats, synths, breakdowns, crescendos be the tools of which I will be painting with.

I think for some reason about how I have not been able to control my emotions lately. From joy, sadness, dejection, anger...they are all sourced into my passions. I feel like to not let something move me I will not be embracing the desires that made me want to feel in the first place. That's what I discovered why I like acting so much. It's the art of emotion...the art of reacting to the worlds around you in the hope of creating the same emotional impact in your audience. The best theatre or film makes you not only think but feel yourself. It can awaken you, get you "fired up" about something...it can even make you cry. Acting ties in to most of the same principles as do raves. You have an audience which is likened to be the collective...those from every type of life come and while not necessarily interacting with each other they open themselves up...receptive to the environment..waiting to be moved. Enter the performers taking the role of the DJ. They are the energy givers, through every emotion displayed and beat spun...they spread themselves amongst the collective which in turn take the energy into themselves. Through laughter and applause in the theatre that energy is given right back to the performers. A symbiotry is developed between all members in the house and the exchange is ended with all members having left with something profound. I've always felt that the greatest actors are ones that have lived a rich life. To be a great actor myself I will need to live that rich and fulfilling life. Those experiences broaden the choices they have to give their character (think of a DJ having more records and effects to enhance their music) and thus could be spread back to their audience and internalized...thus leaving the person receiving with some thing...well...profound!

So why have I been taking so long to pursue my passions. Honestly, it's because of fear...fear of the rejection of my art....fear of unacceptance. Then I just asked myself, "What is it about the fear that bothers me" Kids live the most richest lives because without fear or pressure they are able to live truly free and in doing so they becoming sponges learning and experiencing the most. Just exactly who am I trying to live my life for? It touches on to why I have failed with Andrea. I should have treated every day with her as it was my last. I failed her because I was scared to live my life....I failed her because my fear of losing her become a grip she needed to shake herself free from. It translated itself into a feeling of settling down. I do not necessarily want to settle down, get married and have kids...at least not anytime soon. In fact, her and I are very much in the same position of life. We both have so much living to do...she was the first to realize it so I ended up holding her back. Well, for her and my own sake...I now declare my sense of fear...DEAD. I am capable, I have strength, I am fearless and I am invincible. Nothing will stop me from pursuing my passions...my life anymore...

I AM SO SICK OF BEING SAD. I AM TIRED OF BEING DEPRESSED. Am I still affected by this...YES. Are the feelings still there for her...YES. Am I going to let an incident like this affect me...NO. So, I've decided. I'm going to Ibiza by myself. Within the electronic dance community there are two rites of passage listeners must take to be fully realized in the world.

1) Go to Ibiza. Ibiza is one of the Balearic Islands located near Spain. This region is INFAMOUS for its summer parties and string of clubs drawing the the world's elite DJs. It has been often referred to as the "center of the worldwide electronic music movement" And for those of you have listened to any live sets performed there KNOW that this is indeed a movement. It's one thing to partake an experience such as a massive at a sports arena or convention center but to just stay within a CITY so far removed from here and basking in that vibe of the music just swells me up I cannot contain myself. I was planning to take Andrea here as a graduation present but I've decided that regardless this still is very much for myself as well. I'm checking out the plans for next year and making myself a spot.

2) Go to Burning Man. Name after the burning of a wooden effigy in the event, it is a one week festival held out in the middle of nowhere in Black Rock City, Nevada which is north of Reno. This is actually more of a spiritual event (though ALL of the events I go to are spiritual for me) as it is better desribed as "an experiment in community, radical self-expression and radical self-reliance" Patrons are strongly encourage to be participants and not spectators as the areas of the festival are surrounded by art. A facet of the rave culture does exist in the festival in which not only is the music featured but more importantly the idea of the community that is mainly practiced here. If you ever need to do some serious soul-searching...THIS is it.

These are long term plans that I won't get to complete (If I get my semi-annual bonus now and have extremely good luck with accomodations I will go to Ibiza right now) until this time next year. And I'm going alone for these if I have to. So for now...I will be getting ready for my own little back to back Vanguard retreat with Paul van Dyk on Friday and Sander van Doorn on Saturday.

AAAHHHHH...I need internet radio! I'm sitting here at work right now, hungering...just DESPERATE for new music. However, corporate America here has all the radio stations blocked!!! NOOOOOOOooooo. Before it wasn't a problem as I would be able to access di.fm, Pandora and 1club.fm....but OMG....I'm going crazy for MORE MUUUSSIIIIIICCC.....

Damn, whatever happened to my sense of adventure???? About a year ago, I would have loved going somewhere random...just on impulse. Until recently it got to the point I was making excuses as to why not to go, "Baby, I'm tired", "I have this to work on", "There's this tomorrow..." When did I become an old man??? That sense was always there, but becoming comfortable just put that aside. FUCK THAT! That's not me! When did I settle! Even before Andrea, I was the one always setting up meetups..I was the one having so many friends over that I had no floor space...I was the one making plans for the group... I was the one who brought everyone together. When did I become so anti-social??? Unh-Unh...as of RIGHT NOW THIS VERY SECOND...I am declaring that whiny part of me is DEAD.

Last night, I just decided to go on a random drive. I could not get The World is Watching Me out of head and on the way home instead of turning into my gate...I just went straight to the canyon. I went to this place I used to go to near Topanga Canyon called Stunt Road, and I'll tell you it earned its name. It's a serpentine uphill climb with 10mph corners perimetered by a very small guardrail. However, with trance and the cover of night it is one of the most fun rides that you could ever partake. The road leads up to this plateau that overlooks the entire valley. You could even see the Ferris Wheel on the Santa Monica pier from there. After taking a few moments to catch a few breaths of the cool crisp air above and drove further into the canyon until I hit the Pacific Coast Highway. It was so much fun to speed down the empty road letting the beats of the music soothe the aches my head was bringing forth. Even the road itself seemed to bend itself to every synth, a tunnel emerged from every breakdown, a set of street lights would appear with every melody...

Talking to Maryanne again last night I remembered why she considers herself to be the guru of sleep. She had me do these relaxation techniques as I was lying down on the bed. I had forgotten what is what like to be able to drift away. To have that peace of mind and not worry about the little things. Neurotic as I am, I used to be one of the most laid back easygoing persons I ever knew. Somehow, I let the small things get to me and infuriate me. I'm exceptional when it comes to focus however because I end failing to see the big picture the insignificant little things just end up getting to me. It was the first good night of sleep I have had since last holding Andrea in my arms in bed.

Random cute moment of the day...

I'm walking on the sidewalk when there's a couple walking towards me in the distance. They are hand in hand when out of nowhere he twirls her as if they are dancing and gives her kiss.

That guy is my hero....

Yesterday was my first day back to work since everything had happened. I still had a tough time controlling everything. I've never been so distraught to the point where I could not keep a cap on my emotions. Even going through that period that I was suicidal a few years back I was able to at least hide my pain from everybody. I guess word had got around about my behavior last Wednesday. But in that I was appreciative of the support I have received from everybody, even those that I thought did not care so much.

The strength of having your own network of friends is something that I feel like I have neglected during my course of time with Andrea. Andrea was my best friend, but I noticed that everybody else surrounding me were not necessarily my friends but her own. When we separated, I lost more than the best friend and lover that she encompassed to be....I lost an even larger circle of friends as they were all tied to her. What happened at Armin can attest to this as what WILL happen at Tiësto, Lovefest, Monster Massive, Together As One, any CASA event etc...etc. It's hard to go onto a site like Facebook and MySpace and find yourself not included in something you very much were a part of. It's not as if I can shut these things off so easily. I use this as a main resource of reaching out to my own friends. The same falls for the GS.C community, our interests are so intertwined that even apart the world will still be small.

Without properly maintaining a life of my own I had nothing to come back to except for a career than I was trying to distance myself from to begin with. I have been doing whatever I can to reach out to anybody and everybody, but at the same time I feel as if I'm wasting their time in a way. They would have to go out of their way to console me. Why should I have to ask more than what they are already giving? However, I heal best by sharing. I'm a social healer in a sense...being surrounded by people...exchanging with them. (Sounds like I need to be back in the rave environment again). After realizing that, I sensed what it was that I do not like about my apartment. It's too quiet. I've always lived with somebody or at least around somebody. This is the first time that I've actually gone out and had my own place. While there are pros...it's spacious, clean, safe, close to work....the only con strong enough to override everything is that it is lifeless...soulless. Your place is what you make of it and life was brought in whenever Andrea would stay with me on the weekends. I loved being there when she was, it was our own place secluded away from everything where we could be together. Through this, my apartment truly become a home. With this loss, now it has become almost a source of pain itself.

I've begun to see if any of my friends were looking for any roommates. An idea that came up was of Jamie, Peter and I moving in together. Obviously, living with roommates is more economical but more importantly I will be surrounded by family again. With us together, I imagine our place being one full of life...one of shared fulfilling experiences that I ultimately can be very happy with.

Thank you Maryanne if you ever see this for helping take my mind off of things yesterday. I've lost touch with being able to use my imagination to give myself peace of mind. Even though it's been years since we've talked, you have helped make me feel the most relaxed I have been in a long time.

Okay, so I've decided what the new piece is going to be in this rebuilding of me. I'm going to throw myself into what I lost in touch with in the past years. The music. Of course, I've always been listening and going to massives but I somehow lost touch with what it did to me in recent times until saw Armin van Buuren on Saturday. I used to go to events alone, solely for the passion of the music. I didn't need the drugs or have to go with people. I used to be simply excited and content about hearing the music and feeling the vibe off of my favorite DJs. So, to kick off this reestablished commitment I'm going to see Sander van Doorn this weekend at Vanguard.

It's five in the morning...and I have been asleep for only three hours...my thoughts cannot escape it. I can still feel it in my senses.... I miss my friend. I love her..and I'll have her anyway I can get her...I WANT MY BEST FRIEND BACK.

Wanna know what it was like to be at Armin yesterday??? DOWNLOAD A STATE OF TRANCE 308. I THINK I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!

I have now been up for 53 hours straight...after strugging to get the chaos in my head under contol...I must try to go to bed.

So...the random thought of the day is that I think that Pink is the female Chris Cornell. I know that makes sense to absolutely nobody but me....but that's what I think. The new layout for the page isn't that great but it's something more readable until I have more time to choose something better.

BTW - It's now 10:11 in the morning and I still haven't slept yet. Ugh...

As of today I declare that God is spelled AvB. Those who were there know how he "played" with Control Freak, The World Is Watching Me and Analog Feel (sickest drops yet).

The drive itself was an adventure of sorts. After dealing with problems with my new subwoofer (YAY), it was nothing but driving through a sea of cars yet blasting my Armin sets. It's been a long time since I have swelled up with this much excitement for an event. Emerging from the 110 freeway onto 6th street, I could hear the dulled thud of the beats bouncing off the building faces. Thump, thump, thump, thump...that's the sound of life beating on the corner of Hope and Wilshire. The stage was surrounded by a wall of skyscrapers, enveloping the sound that opened our eyes.

Immediately after getting in I had to rush up to the front to see my hero. However, after almost making it near the stage and dancing for a while who else did I see other than "her". And I'm pretty sure they had already seen me. "Damn" I thought, "I should have tried to go up the left side of the stage!" Well, seeing that there are no other openings near me, I am now stuck with two choices.

1) Break the ice, say "hi" so that it won't TOTALLY be awkward and stay away.

2) Ignore them after seeing me and declare that things are to be awkward.

So, I took a gamble and choose choice 1. Ummm....yeah....it just ended up having the effect I was trying to avoid!!!! Great, now I'm going to think that THEY'RE thinking I'm just stalking them or latching on somehow. Then I thought....screw it....this event is for me tonite. I have been looking forward to this event for months and I am in a good spot to lose myself, dance and film! If they are doing they own thing that is fine. I do understand that they just wanted to make things less awkward ultimately.

The party tonite with Armin was not necessarily a rave but a block party. That means while the music was still great, I shared most of my night with clubbers especially those with image-centric egos. You know what else sucks....seven bucks for water!!!! It felt so good to listen to him again in person. I felt like a lit candle amongst others that were not lit. I was ready for the energy from the music become a flame and light the others around me. I thought about the other people around me and realized what the events mean to me in the first place. We go to lose ourselves and become part of a collective, to exchange energies fusing ourselves into one existence...one being. I had forgotten about that. I was so focused on going as a couple to these things that doing so separates everything. It becomes just "us" and "them". There can be no unity, no collective....just fragments of lives coming together with unsealed bonds....as if it was a giant window that already has large cracks throughout it. You would for wait for it to shatter or fall apart. There are no experiences shared or any strength gained in that.

It felt so good to dance again. I was able to lose myself at an event for the first time in about a year and a half. I was able to let the music drive me, relax me...have its energy surge through me exploding through my muscles and joints. I felt my body as being an instrument of the music melding with my consciousness. I was able to move again....so unbounded...so free. I kept hearing from those around me, "Whoa, look at this kid pop!", "Check this guy out", "He's really good". Paul would be proud! hehehehehe It actually is not the compliments that I was going after but rather this... This is the most that I have felt like myself in a very long time. And being my true self, I have received acceptance.

I stayed in the spot for the ENTIRE eight hours...eight hours of synergy...and also quite a bit footage taken. I'll post it up on You Tube and finally customize this damn page after a long deserved nap...

Okay...so I am that point where I am just indulging in every little impulse that comes my way. So far that includes...

-Eating three boxes of Pocky sticks
-Drinking two glasses of chocolate milk (I'm lactose intolerant but it's soooo good!)
-Putting a new system in my car

Yeah, that last one is a big one and the last time I had an impulse like that I ended up buying a PlayStation 3 but if I can drop a thousand dollars without blinking than it must tell you how strongly I felt about wanting it!

I NEED NEW MIXSETS!!! AARRRGGGGH.

Today, I decided to take a longer route in the drive over to my sister's house. I had forgotten that I fall into my meditative states best on these drives. I missed the feel of roaming free on an open road with the windows down, wind blowing in my hair and trance music flowing with my thoughts. I feel like I am flying, drifting through the thoughts and emotions of the collective around me. It is like being in the eye of the storm. Easing down and placing myself in this center I can find my thoughts...sense my desires...focus on them and decide on what I need to do to get there. And having not meditated for a long time, I realized how much out of whack my spiritual center needs calibrating. With the drive I felt so empowered...so alive...full of energy. I have not been sleeping the for the last few days resting around 4:30am and waking up again at 7. Yet, I feel that this is the most that I have even been awake in such a long time. I started to feel hope...the light at the end of the tunnel. I have always believed that anybody can be anything that they want to be as long as they first see it in their heads, internalize that and keep it there. I've been the underdog in most of the situations in my life and I came up with a phrase to help push me through, "You can never go too far, just not far enough." Everyday is a chance to grow, a new day to experience an adventure, to make a goal, to reach a goal. I always knew that a day is something not to be wasted, but I think I'm finally starting to truly feel that now. So from now on, my goal is to write in this page every day. To do so, I will have forced myself to do something to later on have something to write about.

I have been listening so much to Mark Otten's So Serene. Yeah, it's an older song but it very much represents the state of my emotions right now. The nostalgic melody of the piano, haunting vocals and driving synth reminds me that I need to fight to keep moving forward and try to remember the past as something great and not as something that will always leave me with a painful scar. If it becomes that, then I will have never truly healed.

Well, as I was ready to start a fourth nonsensical post when I decided to hit up AIM to see if anybody was up. I saw a fellow GS.Cer was online. After telling him that I really needed to get out of the house, he invited me over to chill and I am really glad I did. It felt good talking to him about everything that has happened since he has got a good head on his shoulders and I trust his advice.

However, it wasn't until he simply said "You know that you're going to get over this right?" that I felt really calm. This statement is something that I already do know (in my head, not my heart) and it's been told me many times by others. But the way he was able to say it so nonchalantly and matter of fact really made my heart realize that, "Yeah! This is only going to be a small bump in the road of life." There are so many problems out there that I could be experiencing. Hell, there are so many more problems that I would not be able even to imagine yet! Don't get me wrong, I'm having the worst time fighting off the tears but I'm feeling more optimistic that this will be better in the end.

Thank you Paul if you ever read this. Hanging out today has helped more than you really know... (And the steak was awesome!!! I will be the Wushu Flavor hahaha)

I really want to get back into dancing, not just for glowsticking's sake but just for the stake of expanding and growing. My ex and I are really big into learning funk styles of dance. However, I have to admit that I've never told her in our two years together that I've always wanted to learn since I wanted her to feel that it was her own thing and I didn't want it to seem to her that I was liking it only because she liked it. Not only that....with these styles of dance come a higher competitive element than I care for. The only person that I like competing with is myself. Opponents of all sorts will come and go, but with yourself...it becomes harder and harder to challenge yourself since you know yourself so well! And the distance that you take yourself though these battles is so much greater than bettering yourself just enough to surpass the person before you. Yet, I have had these talks with my friend Jamie about taking classes for a long time. For now I will just have to pick up on some of these things on my own...

The contents of my fridge...

-Two half eaten uncovered plates of pasta...
-Three cans of red bull...
-One stalk of broccoli. (They're called stalks right? Or is that only for celery?)
-My Brita water filter.

Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who has a bottomless stomach. Someone who never ever keeps and empty fridge. The appetite just isn't there...

What just happened to me? I felt so good talking again to Andrea yesterday. We laid down the beginning ground work for healing ourselves and doing it in peace. I was so optimistic!!! Everything looked as if it was brightening up. I retreated to my new friends from GS.C, to my friends of old. I felt so good to be free again....to make myself right in a way I could not when I was with her. I mean, this is the reason why we broke up! We forgot to take care of ourselves in the relationship. I was so focused on making things comfortable for her to roam free and do what she wanted to do that it backfired. The comfort I tried to give her ended up suffocating her and I became too needy. I forgot to push her to go after her goals instead letting her fall into the murkiness that was bogging her down. Instead of being the positive thing in her life, I was brought into so much of the negative side of it that I myself eventually became the problem losing her love for me. It's not like that she was the only one with problems. I lost sight of myself too. I stopped acting, my martial arts. I became so focused on her and the relationship I forgot to maintain our friendship and myself. I couldn't expect her to push me since this is her first relationship. I wanted to do and be everything to her. So this had to happen. My head says this is so (I'm an emotional follower of my heart and instinct so listening to my head takes some serious rewiring). Everything can only go up from here right?

Then waking up this morning I got a call from my parents. Once they asked me how I was, and then I had told them about the breakup. I broke into tears again... Dammit! What happened to my newfound strength? Just hours ago I felt like that things could only get better. That this wasn't the end of the world. Now, I feel like I'm back in the pain going full circle. I keep thinking, "I'm an artist...pain is supposed to be good...it helps you create...it reminds you you're alive...it helps you appreciate the good. Pain is necessary"

Okay, I feel like I have ADD now. I can only type this for several minutes at a time before being consumed again. This is already my third blog today! At this rate....I'll be in double digits before the day is over.

I think that this is what it feels like to be bipolar. One minute, I'm very happy about things that are coming up such the mini-meetup on Friday or Armin on Saturday. The next, I break into these painful bursts of tears and cannot stop the voice inside my head that says, "My baby is gone..."

I went back to work for the first time yesterday after breaking up with Andrea. I had only been at my desk for five minutes when I had turned to my side to see our picture put up on the wall beside me. This picture was taken the day before we had our first kiss (and this was her first kiss ever!). From there I could not stop the flow. Seconds after a coworker had asked me what was wrong when I had just starting bawling. And this was loud, screaming bawling...with sharp cries as if I was physically being hit. My boss and one of our vice presidents had heard me and pulled me to a separate room to see if I was okay. I was not able to tell them for the first 15 min what had happened as I could not stop crying. After regaining myself they had left me with two things

1) No more work for me for the rest of the week.

2) They advised that I should call her and see if I can salvage what I can

I went home and I decided to call her. I've never been so nervous to enter the familiar numbers of hers I've dialed infinitely before over the past two years. No answer at home. No answer on her cell. Now to check AIM and.... she just signed on!!! I had to regain my composure when I found out she had not been doing so well. I love this girl so much. My first thought was to rush by her side like a reflex. For a split second I forgot that we weren't together!!! But to mend both of our hearts, I need to be strong and start laying down the groundwork for a new chapter in our lives. It was bad enough that I lost my lover, partner, my baby but I didn't want to lose my best friend as well. I wanted us to start off on good terms....in peace.

Ack. Okay, out of time for now....more to come later on....

Okay, it took me a long time to start this but I have finally set this up. Why now...well I have to admit, I'm only encouraged to write whenever something terrible has happened to me but now at my age I need to finally do something constructive with the pain.

Losing the love of your life never gets easier each time it happens. The knife runs deeper when you're told she no longer loves you. The first time this happened I went into a deep spell and lost two years of my life. Though I grew and learned a lot of good lessons, two years is still a long time. This is my thirteenth girlfriend (lucky number, huh) and my fifth serious relationship. I liked to have thought that at this point I have a good idea in life as to what I want/need and what I need to contribute in order to be a worthy partner. Having lost again, I'm trying to stay focused as to what needs to be done to get back on track. I'm not going to let this defeat me again!!!

It's helped that she has been so understanding and caring enough to truly want the best for ourselves. Alright, enough for now.