Yesterday was my first day back to work since everything had happened. I still had a tough time controlling everything. I've never been so distraught to the point where I could not keep a cap on my emotions. Even going through that period that I was suicidal a few years back I was able to at least hide my pain from everybody. I guess word had got around about my behavior last Wednesday. But in that I was appreciative of the support I have received from everybody, even those that I thought did not care so much.

The strength of having your own network of friends is something that I feel like I have neglected during my course of time with Andrea. Andrea was my best friend, but I noticed that everybody else surrounding me were not necessarily my friends but her own. When we separated, I lost more than the best friend and lover that she encompassed to be....I lost an even larger circle of friends as they were all tied to her. What happened at Armin can attest to this as what WILL happen at Tiësto, Lovefest, Monster Massive, Together As One, any CASA event etc...etc. It's hard to go onto a site like Facebook and MySpace and find yourself not included in something you very much were a part of. It's not as if I can shut these things off so easily. I use this as a main resource of reaching out to my own friends. The same falls for the GS.C community, our interests are so intertwined that even apart the world will still be small.

Without properly maintaining a life of my own I had nothing to come back to except for a career than I was trying to distance myself from to begin with. I have been doing whatever I can to reach out to anybody and everybody, but at the same time I feel as if I'm wasting their time in a way. They would have to go out of their way to console me. Why should I have to ask more than what they are already giving? However, I heal best by sharing. I'm a social healer in a sense...being surrounded by people...exchanging with them. (Sounds like I need to be back in the rave environment again). After realizing that, I sensed what it was that I do not like about my apartment. It's too quiet. I've always lived with somebody or at least around somebody. This is the first time that I've actually gone out and had my own place. While there are pros...it's spacious, clean, safe, close to work....the only con strong enough to override everything is that it is lifeless...soulless. Your place is what you make of it and life was brought in whenever Andrea would stay with me on the weekends. I loved being there when she was, it was our own place secluded away from everything where we could be together. Through this, my apartment truly become a home. With this loss, now it has become almost a source of pain itself.

I've begun to see if any of my friends were looking for any roommates. An idea that came up was of Jamie, Peter and I moving in together. Obviously, living with roommates is more economical but more importantly I will be surrounded by family again. With us together, I imagine our place being one full of life...one of shared fulfilling experiences that I ultimately can be very happy with.

Thank you Maryanne if you ever see this for helping take my mind off of things yesterday. I've lost touch with being able to use my imagination to give myself peace of mind. Even though it's been years since we've talked, you have helped make me feel the most relaxed I have been in a long time.