Ugh....it's 7:30 in the morning I got back from a night from clubbing with a good friend from USC....

1) This is the first time going down to USC since things happened...

2) I love my friends who went but I hate clubbing, I wanted so much to be at a rave

3) I hate alcohol... 151 WILL KILL YOU...

4) And the only thing going in my head after that is... None of these girls are as pretty as Andrea, none of these girls can dance like Andrea, none of these girls are as fun as Andrea, none of these girls are as interesting as Andrea

And I was doing so well. I came to some realizations about things to come that I cannot write here for her safety and mine but it did help see her in a more palpable light. I wish I had the power to forget and get over things like most people do. I've also been cursed/blessed with a good memory as well. I can't flip the truth like how most people can either to deal with things. I'm feeling the depression really kicking in now...I need to fight this dammit. Where is my best friend??? She is the only one who gets it....she is the only one who understands. I think I'm going mad...I'm not going to let this consume me. I never should've let my insecurities affect me, I never should've answered her question on marriage. I loved her for the right reasons, but I failed to show it to her. Ack...she's moved on so easily...and I can do it too. Please gimme some candy and take me away...