8/07/2007

Facing The Demon...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

Everything has become so black lately. Appetite has gone, laughter has dissappeared...I'm starting to feel weak. There are moments of joy...moments of strength...moments of optimism... Then, I see the girl who no longer exists in this world... and I become thin... I become pale... then I become red, angry, restless, malcontent, bitter, scathing. The demon shows thy face... My blogs haven't become as frequent lately with this grip the demon has. It's pulling me in, taking away my voice. Unfortunately, as a Libra my predisposition towards balance makes me the ultimate wild card. I'm always on the fence, able to see both sides truthfully (I can justify injustice...weird, huh?) and am able to commit either way. The happiness I experienced with her can twist everything to make me something so horrible. I need to realize, this is not me...this is not what I want. I am a good person and I can be a great person. I do have good qualities and people liked me for many reasons. I'm beginning to realize again how much of a pull I have on everybody I encounter in my life. I use to drift by, slipping in behind the scenes letting things just pass on by. In a sense, I had a neutral energy, neither attracting nor repelling. I could slip on through like a ghost (and I'd be a great ninja!). However, over time the energy became very negative. Like a vacuum, it would take the life of those near me, taxing them and leaving them withered. I think she started to feel this. I know that I can be that light to bring us all hope and not the fire that will consume us all. I know I am a very influential person when I direct my energies with the right way and not even in the manipulative sense but I know that I can empower people. I've done it before so many times and watched many move on to bigger and better things because of it. I've always said that people are ALWAYS changing and this is regardless of age. It just happens mostly to people growing up and even going through college as they always feel like there is another step to take when those phases in life are done. However, once people emerge from those institutions they forget that they can still change, only that they must be self-sufficient on it now. Most people lose the message once they enter their careers, believing that they found their niche and they begin to settle and become dormant. Life comes to a halt and then decades later those individuals begin to experience the quarter/mid life crises. That is what happened to me...I forgot to change with the times, to continue on my own path of emotional and intellectual growth. I lost my pace with her and she had no choice but to leave me behind. It looks like I have some catching up to do now....