7/27/2007

Phase Two...

Posted by Solace In Hunger

Thank god for Trance Around the World...replays of their latest show on the Ajunabeats website are getting through to my desk here at work! The trance addiction is satiated!!!!

A good friend of mine approached me for a project he's working on that he wanted me to act in. To even further amaze myself with the coincidences happening as of late the story mirrors a man going through the same things I currently am now. He had written this not knowing of what was going on between work, Andrea and I. I think that this, to face the pain and express myself through my craft will be theraputic for me. We're going over the shooting script tonite with filming to be done this Sunday. This will be a good restart for me...

I had a sad realization today though. I am realizing how "high school" everything has been playing out with the drama lately. Don't get me wrong, the problems rooted on either end are very much real...and very much serious. However, in some cases the manner of which they're being handled are very immature. To be so territorial about everything and to block out certain truths, to just lash out at people with the best of intentions....to see so much anger...for once I'm feeling that I'm the only one truly seeing the big picture and I know it's because of my age and my experiences. Children are very egocentric, unable to deal with the emotions of the world and of the people around them until seeing more of what's around them with age. While getting older, it becomes easier to fully realize the people around you and know how to support the ones you love. I kept hearing the excuse, "I guess I was being selfish", "I dunno I was selfish". I had put so much into this and while somewhat knowing it I do not feel until she will not realize just it until much farther into the future possibly with someone else. True consideration and empathy comes with growth and that has yet to happen for her. Under the guise of someone so intelligent, sophisticated and so beautiful is still very much someone so young and green. Think of Matt Damon's character in Good Will Hunting. There is so much angst I've never seen that this is no longer they person I fell for. Perhaps she let me in too close to herself than she was ready for that she needs to push me away hating me as much as she loved me. For once, I really am seeing the age difference between us. Or maybe I'm just angry that she never did get to see who I am and what I am capable of.

Or perhaps the hate comes from the fact she sees so much of me in her. After all, we did pride ourselves in how similar we are. From interests to strengths and to weaknesses. We both have dependency, self-image issues. We both come from similar backgrounds. We both have a passion that we lost touch with that we are trying to reignite and carry though. We both have issues with circles of trust and letting people past certain points. We seemed aimless and unfortunately with all the love and potential we had we saw only the lack of progress and sheltering of the truth within each other. I really am trying to come to this with EVERYBODY'S best interest. Yet, there's so much needless destruction being done that there will be bridges burned and regrets to be had when the smoke clears. I can only hope that same realizations can be made by others and that we will make it through in one piece...and happy.

I wonder why I've been thinking about her so much and to be honest its not so much about the feelings I have anymore. As far as letting go, things are done for the most part there. I truly am worried about her. And I'm like this with EVERYBODY I meet, be it friend, lover even acquaintance. Granted it's not my place anymore but it's only natural when you give so much of your life to the person to end up feeling like this. Not only that...as part of my own healing process I like to deconstruct things and analyze them, wonder why things happened. And this has become a big rubik's cube for me solve for my own growth. Through the actions of others can I understand my own reactions and internalize what I should or should not do in the future. Okay enough now....I'm done.